Freedom is a choice

It was just a few days before my 24th birthday that I decided to opt out from Facebook and now it has been a month away from the ever so-coveted social networking site. Well given the past, this isn't at all a new scenario since I have deactivated my Facebook for countless times in the past few years, for numerous reasons which somehow in some ways navigated me back where I wanted to elude. I was undecided. Safe to say, most people are indeed undecided. While there are kids trying to snoop into it disregarding their parents' opinions, there are Gen-Ys getting sick and bored of the brag-worthy filtered-life filling the void between conversations and work.

The intention to leave is there however, it is also followed by the dread of FOMO ( Feeling Of Missing Out). As much as some of us want the world to talk about the most general of things, people actually, are just impossibly generous with their knowledge of people which is unfortunate. Sitting at lunch discussing over a friend's new life event which you apparently missed, isn't cool. Or to be precise, will not be accepted as cool. While your degree of coolness decreases and ego gets bruised, you will then be reminded of what an alien you are among that group of friends. Not to burst your bubble but waving goodbye to your sense of belonging is hard because that without a doubt is a basic human need, blame Maslow. The next thing you know you are scrolling hungrily to feed yourself everything you've missed or in another simple, blunt note is called 'stalking'.

If you are all set  to survive the awkwardness, there comes another complication. Something is extremely wrong with society these days but it's hard to blame it on them. I guess you'd admit if I were to claim Facebook to be the most convenient platform for file sharing if you are not in an organization which wants things to be done the right way instead of the easy way, or perhaps simply has restricted you access to the site during office hours. Isn't it just so easy to drag a couple of files while you still keep up with the ever-updating feeds? Yes, Google drive was invented for a reason so does iCloud, Evernote etc but who cares right? Considering the "innovation", people assume Facebook to be the next big thing they should never abandon.

Let's just say you are prepared to stand by the pain of organizing a storage drive, you just feel the emptiness of life in between tv commercials, awkward moments while waiting for your food and a weird sense of guilt over the reason behind the smartphone in your grip. Then you bounce back ! I had those reasons messing my stand and many more I can't elaborate yet I've survived. Perhaps it would sound really wrong to say I kind of don't miss it anymore. Everything mentioned above are temptations which are indeed possible to overcome. I fought those excuses to alternatives which eventually formed new habits. I'm happy up to this point.

Facebook isn't bad as long as it isn't an addiction. The problem though is, are you sure you're not a slave yet? On a different note, do you even care? Stick to what matters to you. I just done, at least amidst this ever-increasing pile of work .

Renuka G

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Hatred a disease

Hate is one of the few words one can't define positively. Some people shout it out loud in silence while the rest give it a real voice in the most protruded manner. While there are claims of courage, the act of valour flashes headlines in the social media as if it's an uncertainty in the truth or perhaps another side to the story which has rather been chosen to be masked. Well, people are complicated, so am I. It frazzled me though, moments in life I felt some kind of sympathy and an unfathomable confusion of to what extent hatred go move a person.

Perhaps it's a simple struggle of power or an onerous acceptance towards the concept of sharing, I can't be sure. Like looking down from the top of the world  feeling like you're in control and marking a territory with a bunch of people chasing everyone else as a threat, hate is all about ego. I don't think there's a better word to conclude that feeling. It's utterly cold and a purely negative state of mind to hate when there's so much to share in this world to make it a better place. To dislike is temporary, hatred is indeed toxic.

It comes back to humanity at the end of the day. Instead of all good things, we magnify hatred putting forth our intolerable ego only to forget how bad the whole thing reflects on us. We claim to be ourselves by projecting those emotions out but, our negativity is spreading elsewhere thus affecting our own circle and the world at whole. All for what? To rain on someone's personality? To humiliate them? To influence others? I guess it's not worth the bid.

Again, hatred is toxic. Once you hate someone, you are blinded to their good side. When you can't see the good in someone, you get too busy trying to pin down their flaws. You indulge in the power of criticism only to fall on your face when even without you realizing your own people start resenting you. Just like the numerous typed hidden-speeches, you would become a secretly loathed person.

For a world free of hatred!

Renuka G

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Into the Wild

People read for various reasons. I read to be inspired. Perhaps that's why I don't simply walk into the bookstore and pick a read. Books that I've read and had a hard time to let go are the ones which crossed me by accident. Though cheesy and love story-ish it might sound, it is indeed undeniable that I'm fussy when it comes to books. Most of my collections are either a movie or true story. I believe in learning and these stories are truly inspiring to the extent of addiction and of course self-realization.

My recent read is Into the wild by Jon Krakauer. I hadn't read any books after Gone Girl till I came across this one. It's the story of a young boy named Johnson McCandless who abandoned his good life and dearest possessions to travel 'into the wild'. He died tragically but that's not the case. The life he lived was without a doubt remarkable with top notch values for his age.

There's something about his perspective of life which sets him apart for any random person 'living'. He was blessed with everything a normal teenager would desire yet, why he left? What was his quest? And at the end of the story will you see him like just another reckless idiot who abandoned his good life or as something else? These questions would make you turn the pages . It's for the thinkers who evaluate moral codes in a non judgmental manner. It's for people who understand 'things' and the value of each of those in life at whole.

Going footloose is of course intriguing and exciting, given the recent trend, it is also rather glamorous. The association of travel with escape is a cliche-connection people use to sculpt their stories of independent-self with much pride. Johnson was rather humble. He knew the world has flawed codes and he was sick of the society which he phrased as a 'crazy-breed'.  He was complaining, profusely complaining. Unlike the crowd, he set out to live the life which he believed in. His journey was not a glamorous road. His passion for new horizons were not mere words. His adventures were novel. Most importantly, his experiences were something one can never imagine to risk. He wanted to be lost to feel alive. Death was predictable yet nothing mattered more than his bond with the roads he took.

It's not like a story you want to live. Just one capable of making you reason choices in life and the beauty of the real universe without the 'things' people feel obsessed over which in return possess them in a way or another. This book is of class! A walk away from civilization so close to fiction with every page of adept descriptions teaching something this world has  now been missing.

Johnson McCandless lived, his story tells the rest.

Renuka G

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Justice served

It was just a week ago that I walked out from one of my postgrad classes feeling utterly defeated. I can't explain the choice of word but that was the first thought which came forth on that moment.

Well, they say if there's a time in your life you could do anything and not apologize for it would be your 20s. This is where it is acceptable even to get an ugliest tattoo and spare the regrets for the next decade. I have about 6 years left. Is that too little? Look, I'm not greedy for more. It was an unexplainable guilt over my ambitions. 

It's like moving along an army of ants feeling  completely hopeless about my choices. Everyone is moving so quick in different directions and journeys which looks so extravagant with the assistance of photo editing apps. And there I was  just another ant carrying the pursuit of an extra paper qualification on my back.

Perhaps it is not all so tragic as it sounds. I love that I'm moving forward with my dreams at my own pace . Sometimes the proverbial grass just messes with my path. So yes I was feeling defeated. Cancelling on my trip to Indonesia only to make myself available for the classes during the holidays, frankly was depressing. But as every other troublesome emotions, that too passed.

The hectic days have become routines instead. To my 20s, I'm still doing justice by traveling locally whenever possible and enjoying every bit of my free days with something new in it . I'm still crazy and happy! 

I guess our 20s deserve nothing less than that!

Renuka G

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The Turning Point

So everything has finally started. It was indeed a hectic week with 3 days of travelling back and forth to Skudai after school. And then came UPSR. All so frenzy and without a single doubt, exhausting. I was basically rushing right after school, having my snack-like-lunch in the car, stopped at the rest area for a quick face wash and attended the lectures which lasted till 7pm. Crazy times two or perhaps 5. Reaching home close to 9 at night, leaves me no time for gym or any empty idling session either. It's like a schedule resembling tuna in a can. Tightly packed. That's a sort of hyperbole I guess. But trust me, it is not an overstatement.

The whole situation is like what Piper Chapman mentioned in OITNB.

I'm indeed trying to climb Everest in flip flops. Truth be told, I have no serious plans in my head yet about this M.Ed TESL thing. I just wanna learn and use English more and more eventually, improving my proficiency. It's simply my mad love for English that made me commit to this crazy thing. Call me ambitious, call me stupid, I'm willing to surrender. There's something about learning new things that excites me and English is definitely a drug that has made me a happy addict.

Even though I could finish my masters in 2 years time, I've decided to take it slow. At least a little slow. It's better to not go all out and quit due to pressure. Slow and steady baby! I'm planning to stretch till 2.5 to 3 years. I'm working and my work demands lots of energy. By 1.10pm, I am already half dead but I'm sacrificing my cosy bed, stepping out from my comfort zone for something good. I have always believed comfort zone is a dead end, hence, the rest is justified.

Promoting :p

I have no idea how rough this M.Ed journey would be. Up to this point, I'm adapting and trying to get comfortable about being uncomfortable. I once came across a quote which says 'You can never be overdressed or overeducated.' I have zero doubts about it. I wanna fight my way up to Ph.D. Apart from that, my plans of getting my exercise science cert and baking dreams still goes on. At time moment, I just wish to minimize the many many tabs. I'm curious where this road would lead me.
Fingers crossed.

Still having all the fun in the world!

There's so much to learn. There's so much to do. Life is never going to be boring! At least for me :D







Renuka G

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Re-route

It was sometime ago that I  realised comfort zone is a dead end. Trust me, a dead end is always a bad news ! Someone once told me, if it feels good then it's not normal. We are not designed to live by a set of rules and routines. In contrast, our body is like a mechanism tuned to frequently adapt and run through various circumstances. Discovering a robot was the impossible made possible not the robot itself. And who did it? A man of course. Hence, don't waste your inner strength !

Comfort zone at the end of the day only creates humans who are static and satisfied. One accomplisment and they are done with their lives. Soon they will pamper their capabilities in vain, deflating them a little more by day till they are gone without a trace. These people are what I could call the joggers. They jog and they repeat and they are satisfied. If you ask them to run, they will quote numerous articles that says why they shouldn't. The one-goal-per life examples, I should say.

Those who run over that bunch is called the go-getters. They don't limit themselves to just one dream. They run through every course of life with new visions and gather more as they progress. Some convict them of being unrealistic, foolish and the mighty description of all would be ' ambitious '! Yet they turn their ears deaf and keep marching forward. Though sometimes a couple of  steps could make them look less of a human, like trying to commit some insane acts of bravery as if they hadn't known fear, they are actually very much like any of you. It's just that they weigh their risks with the fruits they will someday bask.

Success could come either way. What you should decide is your definition of it and the means of achieving it.

You can either pick to cross your legs and act like you have conquered the world or you can always run like the world has no end. It's a matter of choice. Whatever your choice is, stop drooling at the proverbial grass on the other side.

Life is too awesome to be living in envy!🙈

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The Vision

While we were making headlines in some local newspapers this morning, an incident at school hit me real hard inside. Honestly speaking, I admit I'm not much of a teacher from within. I do my job. I take responsibilities seriously and that's that. Sometimes, just sometimes I get really overwhelmed with certain things which afflicts me. I dislike kids, true. However, sympathy is an emotion I shower my pupils with because I know they deserve it.

I was having basically sharing with a colleague about the frustrations and disappointments I land myself in every day because of the pupils' lack of effort and zero ambition. It was not a surprise that we were in the same boat. That was when she told me something which saddened me beyond belief. This is not my passion. This is not even close to what I wanted to be. But this feeling is real. I was upset when she revealed what these kids will eventually become someday. The girls will either be working after high school or married. The boys go astray. Those who actually make it to the university are so few, what more those who really succeeds and leave a mark?

For some reasons, I feel some of us are very lucky to be born in a place where education is attainable and accessible. Plus we are blessed to be born in a family which values the ability to read and write than petty skills and norms. These kids, not all but most of them are unfortunate. One of the reason I could coin based on their attitude would be lack of inspiration. They have nobody's success to drool at. The only influence they have is the TV channels which repeatedly air programmes full of sobbing, revenge and everything negative enough to spoil a kid's thoughts into an adult's mind-frame. They do not enjoy internet access like we do. I'm not sure if it's a good thing or a bad one yet, for a kid to not know who is Mahatma Gandhi and their own state is a serious issue I guess.

There are countless number of problems and issues within this small community and the children are simply the scapegoat of a reality which have been going on for years or perhaps decades.
It's a sad case scenario indeed.
Who to blame?
Who to change?
How to transform?
I guess every single teacher with or without passion would at least once thought about this. But in a place as such, heat of the moment would be a joy to watch yet it gets cold real fast and the next thing you know the past repeats itself somehow or someway. It's similar  to a pendulum which sways with a push so fast and gets slow , eventually stopping at point . The next push and no matter how many more that comes won't last forever, either.

Sympathy, anger and frustration are mundane routines which leave me with guilt. Perhaps my expectations are high. Maybe I'm trying too hard that I fail the same way. I feel lost figuring the small steps which leads to a big change. The hope is there still, though. When there's a will, there's a way, right?

Renuka G

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M.Ed and the now

As the next step towards more progress draws closer, I'm starting to wonder if I have done enough being a teacher. Given a chance, I'd definitely ditch teaching and do something else but that's a vision away from reality. The position I am at in my life puts me under a circumstance which mandates me to bow down to certain responsibilities . 

I was in one of my English classes when I started to look deeply into the pupils in front me. I wasn't talking nor were they. I was just watching them thinking, how do I fix this? Kids who still speak English in words instead of sentences. Those who pronounce 'a' as 'ehh'. Not forgetting some who makes my head explode just to explain one simple word. Am I missing something?

My next step would be a huge one. Doing masters be it part time or full time is not going to be a piece of cake. The only option is to juggle,somehow ,someway . Prior to that, something has to change. It's the ultimate question of ego and pride. To consider myself someone who deserves a postgrad degree in TESL, I have to be an English teacher who could transform and bring about change. 

That's the mission!

Renuka G

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The Nights

"One day you'll leave this world behind
So live a life you will remember."

You don't have to be rich

You need not be famous

You just have to live

Do things that makes you feel good.

Do things you know makes you proud someday remembering them.

Wanna jump? Jump.

Wanna scream? Do it.

You have nothing to fear but your own self.

You don't have to hold back because somebody's watching.

One life, so live!

You will be remembered for all the fears you conquered.

You will be remembered for the paths you took.

You might be gone someday but you will still live somehow.

Renuka G

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Run from the clichés

If only running actually solves problems, many of us wouldn't  take off our shoes . However since it apparently doesn't , at least in most instances, we invent excuses. I was presumably convinced that it all rooted from childhood itself . It began the moment we blamed our mediocre achievements on the tuition classes we were denied, our ignorance of the school rules on the teachers' inconsistency, and hiding under the shades of that-person-does-it-too excuses, we thrived. 

The second phase of life hits later. It is obviously not mandotory for if it has been then many wouldn't have been stuck at the previous. This phase is called growing up. What a cliché! Not all grows up, exceptions seem like a rule in this case. So to feel any form of attachment to this post, you should be in the correct stage. If you aren't, the rest would be a relief. 

When you grow up, you allegedly run out of excuses. It isn't a requirement or a norm forced onto an individual. It is merely a choice you are obliged to make as , well, a grown up. This time around you can't hide behind the mistakes of your parents who carved your dreams for you, nor blame the society and religion for the person you are becoming. You are entirely your own responsibility.  The stage where you learn the real meaning of consequences and regrets and most importantly, risks. You run out of excuses.

The next minor event in this stage would be the owning up to your state. It doesn't matter whether you fail, fall, succeed or stand naked to the world, you take the blame. Fixing is the art you master and control all by yourself. You could surrender and get back playing the blame game but that's child's play when you are here. They are still in the cards laid out yet nobody takes pride in cowardice . Or do you? 

I don't know about the people out there and their excuses. Excuses scream comfort to me and comfort is synonymous with stale. It gets boring, eventually.

 Give me a little fight for my survival! Throw me an obstacle. I rather start fresh again and again than grow stale with the rest of benched players .  I made a choice, to be and stay a grown up.

Renuka G

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Identity-conflicts

Don't hate or love someone so much! You will end up exactly mirroring them. Your jealousy and desire to be them will reflect unconsciously and reveal itself without much realisation .

People often end up the spitting image of either their best friend or their most loathed enemy . However, there are also cases in which a person acts like a sponge which absorbs everything they see and the next thing you know they are at the bookstore getting the books someone was reading , taking up new routines like admiring the moon or even develop new interests like fitness etc like in the page they saw . I wouldn't necessarily say it's a bad thing. But let's pause for a moment this whole permeable membrane's activities.

Who are you? Would you rather be defined by the things you picked up from the others or the ones you actually found within yourself? I'm a writer, and I became a veracious reader because I had to read in order to write. I did it for my passion. I became a fitness enthusiast because I have goals. Nobody came into my life and moved me into trying all these. Is it that hard to discover your passion?

Passion starts with goals. What are your goals? It is very amusing to watch people who didn't retire bad mouthing others and being a part of the so-acclaimed social network warriors who fight problems online actually end up something they are not. Be warned , hatred is a sign of jealousy and an emotion showing you want something the other person has. Plus, reading someone's blog everyday could make you drawn into the other person's interests instead of yours.

Think for your own well-being people! Do you want to be yourself or a person whole stole numerous identities to sculpture your image ? You might have mocked someone who went too generous on lipstick or someone's poses, but what have you become now? Don't end up a statistic.

There is something about originality that is inspiring. I think people with unique interest and passion are the ones who awe the world. If you keep trying to prove something by mocking others or mirroring them, where are you heading?  And one day you can't even define yourself in an About Me column that you have to copy-paste it from other sources. 

Once again be warned, hatred and love could wipe off your identity altogether!  The world is full of copy cats . You either jump off and save yourself now or sit along and play the guessing game . 

Renuka G

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Fat-fat-fit

So today's mission was to calculate body fat percentage!

When it comes to being fit, the best way of measure would be this. BMI and your weighing scale cannot speak the amount of truth your body fat percentage could tell. You may be skinny-fat, or a case like Arnold Schwarzenegger who had a whopping BMI of 30.2 ,classified obese yet
 had a very minimum body fat.

There are a few ways to calculate body fat percentage. One of it would the calculator available in numerous sites which requires your waist, wrist, hip and forearm circumference apart from your weight. The results are explained briefly in the table .

My result is at fit-level, 23%! I guess that a good news! My waist circumference used to be 27 inches and now it has reduced by 7 inches. I realized it's not all about the number on the scale. I feel stronger, more energetic and I fit better into my clothes.

My next mission is to strive for 20-21%. All I have to do is stay committed to the gym, eat healthy and get enough rest.

Definitely a happy kid today!

Renuka G

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The Shortcut-Shame

Most people are only known for their unknown shortcuts they take. When it comes to the notion of being skinny and fit, many would like to delusionaly assume that they are the latter. 

Alright, let me get this straight! You don't get fit in a week, but you can get skinny and make the dumb crowd believe you are full of muscles in just 2 days.

Trust me, it only takes 2 days and 2 things. First of all, you need a little cardio and know a few workouts. Next is the ultimate go-to solution for girls worldwide , starve! These two things are easy. Especially when you are desperate to look slim for a date or an event, they could come handy. After the show is over, a week later, the reality sips in with an impressive pooch. Oh yea, very fit indeed.

As much as it is easy to look slim and skinny, nothing is more lasting and fulfilling as being toned and fit. People work for weeks and months just to see the change while some people flash their skinny figure as an inspiration for fools. When you are thin, your body could still be full of fats whereas a toned-physique won't give you that pillow-ish hug. Muscles are hard, fats are equivalent to flabby. I guess that's not rocket science.

One important thing to remember, fit people actually eat . It's just that they don't overindulge in processed and unhealthy food while consistent practising portion control in their meals. So the next time you feel flat because you sip green tea and ate crackers for days, don't get overjoyed over the accomplishment. You are nowhere close to being healthy. Save yourself the memory space of your phone. 

To be fit and toned, one need to lift, eat healthy and get enough rest to recover for the next gym visit. The effort and sweat and pain , I call that inspiring and share-worthy. If you pamper yourself with light cardio and do squats with your knees crossing your toes, go home! 

I support strong women. Shortcuts are embrassing.

Renuka G

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They own you

What's with our generation ?

What's with material possessions and wants ?

Things we own , end up owning us. True enough. It's a simple case of getting a pet to pat and ending up serving it like a slave. We buy expensive things , we chase after luxury names, we prey on the prettiest and the most good looking in the bunch , all to finally become submissive to them.

While it could sound a little impractical to live without everything mentioned, is it possible to not be owned and defined by everything we possess? 

Can you reside in an extravagant mansion and disregard the security ? Can you walk around flashing your platinum cards and rings without being called out for some illegal misdoings just because you fail to convince the society of your true capabilities ?

 Is it possible to not be owned? Whether mentally or physically, can one stop whatever at hand from getting into your head? 

And amidst this tricky situation, would you dare limit your possessions to set yourself free from being claimed? Does the price of freedom higher in value compared to the profit of possessions? Dare you sacrifice the latter to survive the world? Or are you ready to be succumbed and be made into slaves of your most coveted wants?

And finally, how do you own without being owned ?

Renuka G

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Death and Cynicism

Is it tragic or funny?

To live our entire lives pursuing happiness and finally to finish with death. Like climbing over the rainbow only to land on a pointy sword, how tragic? Or it's just our poor sense of humour denying the huge yet simple joke?

I watched a movie the other day which caught me thinking about the euphemisms. Things are actually pretty rough and sad and pathetic but we try so hard to smile with guns in our head. Some do succeed. How impressive is it? And with that, again I wonder, have these happy crowds in the universe come to terms with death? Are you happy because you genuinely are or is it a pursuit to conceal the tragic end?  Even worse, could it be just a handshake over an agreement to sacrifice and gain mutually in the space between everything and death? If running is all about crossing the finish line, does how you run matter at all?

The one inseparable subject with death would be his kin, FEAR. So which fear is worse? The fear of not living or the fear of death? And to what extent who you go to conquer them? You can't cheat death but can you make it any better? To all the optimists of the world, why are you so happy? Or maybe, just maybe they actually got the joke.

That silly joke of how a man goes so high to fall deep down. It's the simple law of gravity understood by all .God bless Newton and all science references ! The question here is, which law then is applicable for our life-scene?

 It's a mere joke. The most cynical joke of all. You can sit with a box of tissue and sulk all you want. Screw that! Perhaps it would be better if you imagine a  silly man on a trampoline going gaga, landing on the ground planting his whole shape onto the grass and tell yourself the genre of life is comedy.

As simple as that, everything is actually funny.

You don't have to laugh from your heart, sometimes it's satisfying to laugh with your head. Your mind is a powerful tool hence, learn to narrate, learn some humour. Death is tragic, perhaps the most tragic of all nouns. Remember, Shakespeare wrote tragedies with such cynical plot and the most twisted characters because he knew the secret. The cure to a tragic end is nothing. The journey to a tragic end though, begs humour for, without that all lame things becomes extra pretentious. Forcing yourself to enjoy simple pleasure, trying so hard to be happy, clenching your teeth on every fall? Oh, come on! Life is a joke. Don't make a fool out of yourself. Direct your play, enjoy the scenes. You don't have to be a clown, you just have to know to manipulate your characters.

Fear not the end, fear a stale plot.

Renuka G

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Go ahead, fuss!

I'm not complaining. Believe it if you are dumb ! I apparently, most certainly, without a single percent of doubt ,am complaining. How else would you sanely and rationally put it?

I could possibly be in denial. The condition in which a person justifies everything favoring to one's own fairytale-ish thoughts. But unfortunately you can't frame me on that this time . This is a shameless confession on my presumably self-destructive behavior. Or better put as an idea.

I'm complaining. I took me a long while to figure the name for the ongoing process for I was constantly tapping on the imaginary denial button in my head which was pretty fun to play with, honestly speaking. I could conclude from the end findings which followed the revelation, I wasn't actually doomed. To my relief, I wasn't.

What's wrong with complaining ? Have you had like one day in your life that you accept every single thing which happened? It could be the simplest ones like the morning alarm to phone notifications, we all have something that ticks us off . We wear our complaints the same way we wear our shades. Whenever necessary! It doesn't matter if it's RayBan or the one from an accessory shop behind your house, classiest or a useless complaint, we are certainly guilty of some. Or maybe not? Think again.

I guess complaints are fine. As long as you are not miserable everyday, it is of course alright to whine and lament. Our head do need quick intense surge of emotions like annoyance and anger combined in speedball motion now and then to just set us apart from robots and other gadgets the technology has given birth to. The only thing that makes us who we are, the Humans. 

I have complaints. Sometimes I can't even stop listing because they never end. It's so long I could make or break a record if there's any. But duhh, like I care? My complaints are comfortably occupying my head space not as a tenant but merely the furniture. Fully controlled by me. I move them, destroy them and manipulate them how-so-ever I wish. 

And I  believe a man without complaints is a man without thoughts. Come on, who wants to be that? 

Renuka G

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The blank war

It was frequent stares at blank spaces ! Like blank, blank , blank and more blanks . What are these things telling me? 

There's a vacuum in my head. I'm having a love-hate relationship with this state. I wanna be blank at the same time I need to free myself from this. 

Have you heard of a man in a meditation cave trying to persuade God to reside within him? The pure abuse of the purpose of meditation itself, the silence. It's the same case at a different setting. Chasing for peace at the same time starting a war. 

I want this blank space. I want to just go silent and let things be whatever they are. Let the universe spin the way it should, like how the wise people prescribed! But that would be unambitious, mediocre and too easy. Probably 'easy' won't fit the note, the rest sure does.

The joy of thinking so less crossed by the anger of stillness. Imagine reading a book and stopping halfway to figure the writer's head and your comprehension and not meeting in between. Exactly the dilemma. 

Had I not wanted this? To let things just be! Now that I'm there, what is this conflict? I'm too driven , I have grown too ambitious and more selfish than I've ever been. My pursuits won't bow to this vacuum. 

The typical quest of need versus wants it boils down to. I need the blanks to stay sane but I'm constantly rebelling the state in the fear of being just someone among everybody else . I'm at peace yet I choose to set it free in order to welcome the chaos. 

I'm in trouble. The new definition of trouble designed for this case, the state when one's wants subvert his/her needs. I'm in so much trouble. I can't see regrets  , only confusions. What would I do when these spaces are all filled?

Will my wants ruin altogether the stability at my grip? Will I end up as one of those people who lost themselves in pursuit of dreams? Or am I setting out only to come back to where I started ? 

Renuka G

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Self-help? Seriously ?

Today I met myself between the alleys of self enrichment racks in the book store. It was a sudden sense of an indescribable feeling. I used to curiously read through the pages looking for a little attachment to the story told. Today it was mere awkwardness. It was as if I was standing amongst a group of aliens with too much annoyance . 

Hardwiring happiness?

This book will make you mindful?

A cup of comfort?

101 days to success? 

I rolled my eyes reading each and every title. Like, seriously ? Nothing made sense , at least not this time. I wonder why people buy these books? Why they were once so significant? 

Now I had only one thought in my mind. To grab all of them , rip off the pages of nonsense, throw the pieces in the air and walk off in that shower with a background score! I did not say my life is better or that it has gotten any worse. I lost attachment to these books. They don't feel relevant to me anymore. 

None has never changed me. My life took turns over experiences not some prescribed ideas of someone with a completely different life. Perhaps I have read some interesting quotes that were motivating but change is definetely from within and the moving factor would without a doubt be things that happened to me.

Standing there today just reminded me of one thing, how smartly words are aligned to lure people into the idea of success and a better self . As catchy as most titles may sound, the books are actually empty. You are reading empty pages with raging emotions and an intense desire for a new day and a new destiny . They are indeed empty .

You are not looking for help or enrichment . The only gleam of hope you are reaching for at this section is only a little sense of belonging and attachment. The curiosity of knowing somebody has been through the same and came pass it. The curiosity of finding out who got it worse. And finally the curiosity of a possible , proven-to-work solution, which is apparently non existent in most cases. Too bad.

Change starts with you. A trip to the book store will just be a rip in your pocket and a few useless flips of the pages .

Does this sound like 'A cup of comfort'?

Renuka G

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I

The ultimate goal at the moment is to be better than yesterday. We all run after success, or at least  most of us do. There are some who run obediently in their own lane at their own pace. Another bunch pushes those next to them and turn their head to watch who's coming after .It's just how the universe works. Some compete with their own self while the rest battles the  whole world.

My measure of success is parallel to progress. This has always allowed me to be more open to views of others, appreciate their individual abilities and cheer upon their success. Having a perspective as such has also opened doors for a more meaningful progress.


So what's next?

Something for sure!

Renuka G

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Are you game?

The feeling. That damned feeling is back.

People often perceive success as the result of consistent acceptance and fixture of failures. It's like using the negatives to open path to the positives adhering much to the core-most rule of life , ups and downs. As much as you wish you could run, it's the simple motion of a ball bouncing back from a surface. You move back and forth between sweetness and the bitter-side of events, you hit and bounce back.

Although there's a slim chance that you possess a complete anatomy and mechanics similar to ball, more often that is not the case. Sometimes a hit is all you need to fall face-down . At times a hit is more than enough to cripple you so long that it twists the plot altogether.

This is not some friendly prescription of motivational dose nor a faint-sprinkle of fairy dust to the world.

Welcome to rock bottom!

Exactly where life serves you a platter of cold, raw meat at a dinner table with depression and helplessness as sidelines. You wish you could look for inspiration and search restlessly the self-esteem that you know had hidden itself somewhere but to no avail. Again, welcome to rock bottom!

Here, you will chase after a shooting star while simultaneously being frisked by the most daunted of all fears in the real world, the fear of failure. You will run like a mad dog after a bone only to discover the price of the wish is not the chase.

Time will neither be your enemy nor your friend. Time is a distant variable which mocks you and your efforts while still being in motion. You wait, you wait for the clues that it may drop. In your mind you build thoughts that time will soon favour you, it will soon divert its path towards you. You wish and you keep wishing as it continuously proves you wrong.

The final bashing you have at rock bottom, the withdrawal of hope. We are born equipped with a belief system. A system that could collapse like any other. Your good thoughts will soon turn grey and eventually die. And a negative belief system is a dead-system afterall. Wishes will be replaced by anger which will accumulate into merciless acts of self-destruction. Nothing matters. Anything  becomes everything and everything becomes anything. Now, you are officially game.

Only once in a while, an occasional reflection on the mirror will bombard you with questions of your long-gone identity. It would be fun. Everyone loves a little mystery. The moments of struggle to discover the exact turning point which destroyed you to unrecognizable and non-fixable state would challenge your own curiosity.

This is where you return to square one.

The question though is, will it lead you back to a moment of sheer-bitterness or destructive-sweetness?

Renuka G

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Overly-Attached Demands

This is the phase of my life called 'To survive is to learn'. I have grasped a tremendous amount of things for the past few weeks. It was an opportunity to walk out from my comfort zone to let things that I've never experienced before touch me. At first just like any other typical control-freak, I resisted. I was full of anger, felt like a scapegoat of the inescapable event, perturbed to an extent where each bit of my patience only morphed into tears and over-attachment to my bed. It was difficult.

The occurrence which started with a silent-cry soon turned into a loud meltdown, somehow gathering helping hands that came for rescue. I guess this is just how things work, it has to get worse before getting better. And the latter finally took place. I realized it was not all that tough afterall. I was not alone. The problem was me. It was me who stubbornly refuse to come out from my comfort zone. It was me who told myself, this should not have happened when I was expected to simply adapt and learn. 

I have always had the thirst to learn, but why did I over-react on this one?  

FEAR. The fear of failure. As much as I'm curious about learning, I'm also scared of  failing. Over the years I have developed within myself an imaginary wall which allows no excuse for failure. However, what I missed was, to learn you have to move away from your comfort zone. To learn one has to make mistakes. To learn one has to be prepared to fail. Instead of embracing the mysterious blessing, I treated the situation like a battalion of enemies launching attack after another onto me. That was then.

I feel alright now. Things seem to be under control while I steal the chances to learn and be better. Here I realized one important fact, the bitter pill to swallow is what will make you recover. Recover from your ego, high-demands and unrealistic expectations on how things should be/go.

Let loose!

Renuka G

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Batman knows

I'm supposed to be yay-ing because it's school holidays but no, very few reasons to do a somersault over this schedule-free period. Well by schedule I mean official works that comes under my job description as a teacher like entering the class, writing lessons etc. I'm still, or to be more accurate my 'mind' is still occupied with the duties assigned and of course those I have bestowed upon myself.

I wonder if a teacher ever stops thinking because I apparently fail to press stop. Thoughts ring the bell one after another leaving me breaks only during naps. Alright perhaps that is too much of an exaggeration , I'm sorry. The truth is the current situation seems to bug me a little or a lot I dare say. It's not like I'm refusing to distract myself, I do. Despite all the idea-hunting activities I still find time to bake and workout. Thank god! I just wish I could adjust the level of stress I'm putting myself into. Sometimes I just disappear! Not literally for sure, duhh. What I mean is that I expose myself to excessive number of questions pertaining the future and my next plan of action.

The first monthly test just ended and I have to measure where I stand in terms of teaching and where I could get these students and the hows. Well it's indeed a fact that I can just throw in the towel and treat tomorrows like yesterday. However, I refuse to be so. It doesn't matter how much I love this profession, to educate is what I'm paid for . It's a commitment and of course a responsibility handed to me. I always take the two seriously no matter what the situation is. The question is not how to run,but how to survive. How to adapt to this routine and choose the right way to cope with it?

I hope I will get there soon!

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Sweat=Fat Crying

Well it has been sometime since I flaunted the fitness-freak in me. Today shall be the day. 

So it was like three gyms that I tried out which left the feeling of uncertainty at the same level. First and foremost, getting a gym membership in small towns is not cheap. Or you think otherwise? Probably due to lack of competition and surely lack of support from the public that things are the way they are. But whatever, my problem is time. The cliche kind of excuse, I know, yet truth is the truth. Weekdays I might have to pinch on the spare time for other work related demands. Spending so much to hit the gym for 2 days seems pretty silly, to me. It all comes down to the question of worth vs cost in which I found worth in this case could come with an alternative.

A gym membership would discipline you and make you stay committed to your fitness goals. At least that is what I choose to believe. For me, I can achieve them at home comfort. Well probably not all but at least most. My recent investments  on a stability ball and heavier pair of dumbbells is what I'm resolving to. 

I got to speak about the stability ball! It may look like some children's toy but with it you can do wonders! By wonders I mean numerous exercises for toning your upper and lower body. The ball is the real challenge. I dare you try it!

Things are actually looking bright when it comes to being fit. I was worried since I started working the stress might make me splurge on junks. Of course instances as such did take place but stayed under control. Now I have started to eat healthy as well. You know what they say, fitness is a lifestyle. To even see your abs you need to lose the fat layers. I have swapped my snacks for fruits and Greek yogurt while keeping carb-intake low. My only wish is to get this routine going so it becomes a habit. 

For all the weights that I did today, I'm not hitting the gym tomorrow I guess. Typical! Probably you will catch me running at the jogging ground here ! After that comes all the hard work of balancing on the stability ball and my dumbbell workouts  . 

Stay healthy, stay fit!

Renuka G

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Prescriptions

It is apparently true what people say about passion, it's an addiction. You will always bounce back like a ball slammed on a surface. Hence this new post justified.

The past few weeks had been pretty overwhelming. I could say 'hard' but it won't explain the truth. Not to pinpoint everything  on work, many other things took place further piling on mental strain. It was a feeling close to drowning but far from panic. The cherry on top is, I reacted so less. I used to jump at every instance and let those tears roll as if it's the proper way to deal with a breakdown. You might think I'd say I'm stronger. Unfortunately, that's not the case. 

I just do not care about some things anymore. Whatever that took place in the past taught me to take life as it unfolds. There is no need to over think the unpredictable, stalk and investigate, or even to question the whys. Everything that you need to know will be brought to you someday, someway. I have so much to do and learn and that I won't compromise for anything. Some people are passing clouds, I would never invest so much trying to hold on to something that would't fit me in the long term. 

One thing I have to get off my chest though. There are certain individuals in the world who thinks life is what they live and everybody else is wrong. Foolish I say. Your life is how you choose to engineer it. If someone brainwashes you into believing a formula to a happy life is what that's in their hands, punch them right on their face! It has never worked that way. If you ever beg someone to show you the right path, then do punch yourself! It's more like finding the perfect pair of shoes. You have to try a few pairs, walk a few steps, pick the right color, think about the most practical choice and weigh your wallet. Simply put, in life you have to take a few decisions and evaluate all of them so you find your own equation that is applicable to your personal life. 

It is not tough but truth be told, we are only afraid of the possible negative outcome. We belittle our abilities to design our lives and settle for anything that we saw perfect from a spectator's angle. Remember, all that shines is not gold.  The same eyes that enables vision are famous for deceptions as well. In short, stop prescribing formulas and receiving formulas. The experiences we had have reasons. Use them to find yourself, and later pursue whatever the hell you want!

Renuka G

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A sip of knowledge

I believe one thing you have to do especially while you are still young and commitment-free is, to jump at every opportunity to learn. Three weeks at the new school has taught me so much. Be it in terms of professional development or self-empowerment , it has been a great place to explore new things. I did not deny the stress and the tiresome journey nor I wish to sugar-coat everything that is taking place. I am merely stating this profession is not what it looks like on the surface. There is so much more in being a teacher and I am taking baby-steps every single day.

It is obvious that the teachers at school are seasoned with experience and knowledge. Their class control is close to perfection while mine is a huge mess still when it comes to lower primary classes. I am excited to learn and to improve and to experiment. These are what makes days interesting. I did not sign up for a   9 to 5 job in front of a PC. I am a teacher. That is what I am and that is what I shall remain, at least for another few years.

Renuka G

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That day

So what's the whole fuss about? The weekend? 

As Valentine's Day is drawing near, things that are taking place only reminds me of how far I have travelled away from the search for the one. Perhaps my ambitions have consumed the part of me which used to overly sigh over the loneliness and an nonexistent companionship. I think it's just human nature to run from one thing to another.

I was afraid of heartbreaks hence I left chasing after dreams that I know would be feasible. I prefer being in control. Call me a control freak and I would nod in agreement.  Love and relationships are subtle. So complicated that it's hard to see it as an easy experience. People on the other hand are the worst subject to master. It might sound like a surrender-note but it's more of a temporary one.

I'm full of questions which I don't demand for answers anymore. I have too many demands that I won't pen down as I used to. Everything runs in my mind occasionally like an exciting ad playing in between my self-directed play. Maybe I have found the one, maybe not.  Maybe I know what I feel, maybe that's an excitement of a child over a toy. Whatever that is meant to be yours should and will reach you when you are ready to accept it.  For now, my plate is full.

People that I had an opportunity to cross paths with taught me the value of respect and the importance of living a meaningful life. My priorities are different now. If love can still find me despite all the odds, then do delay the journey a little. 

Renuka G

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Plans and Pursuits

Who ever expected that I would get back my hometown?

But I am not changing any part of my plan. I wanted to start the hard way and progress through it , that is exactly what I will be doing. It's a long scary 50 minutes drive from home, small school with people of golden hearts, English and Arts, Year 1 and year 6 in my schedule, and many more challenges that I choose not to overly fuss about. Perhaps the years I have spent dreaming of my future turned me into this ambitious girl that I am now. Or it could merely be the whole ' new broom sweeps well' scenario. Let time reveal.

You can place any bets on me but I have already embarked my journey. As I have always desired, I finally signed up for gym and started with light weights. My dad apparently had a shock because it was super tiring  to come home at 5 and head to gym by 5.30 everyday but, this is what I want. I dread ending up like those people who neglect working out using their work as an excuse. Your body is your best friend and the only way to stay healthy is to keep fit. Plus I feel more positive and happy after this routine. Try it! Exercising does make a huge difference in your personality and EQ.

Next, tuition. Cliche ! I already got some offers for home tuition and I will not say no. So what if I am still at the warming up stage of my job ? I can teach. 2 hours a day can't hurt, at least I choose to believe so. Plus they say, you will never know how far you can go if you don't push yourself enough. I already have home-comfort (thank god!) , the rest should be challenging or I will drown and disappear. For once I am happy teaching.  It's like my passion for English yearning to make a  difference in the lives of these kids and more kids. It's stressful to get them to understand without using a word of their mother tongue, but once you succeed the feeling is out of the world. I can go another day for that passion and the thought of me changing at least a little part of their world.

So you think I'm forgoing my baking pursuits? Hell NO! I have enquired some certificate courses for baking and pastry during the weekends. Ambitious uh? Before I pursue my masters, I want to do something simply for sheer passion and the fun of it. Fingers crossed.

This is not me boasting about my grand plans, do not misunderstand. This is about me reminding myself how badly I want to progress. I want to be better. If I ever stop that means I am the best version of me already. You know, 'best' is a myth. The world is full of knowledge, I wish to conquer as much as I can.

Wish me luck!

Renuka G

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Three wise monkeys

Take the good, leave the bad. One policy that accommodates us into the imperfect world perfectly. I have always been taught to see the good in people disregarding their weak points. 

A man may be a drug addict but portrays good manners. A man could lie and cheat but still show gratitude to those who love him. We all have our vices that's the truth. At the same time we are capable of modeling admirable behaviors as well. Sometimes we feel so natural doing an act without realizing not many actually do those things because for us it has become a habit.

How would the world be if we only scan to scorn people by seeing them as half a human only capable of the bad? We will only end up ruining each other while indulging in more vices ourselves. Remember the three wise monkeys? Only see, hear and speak good things.

Nobody's perfect. So why not excuse a certain side of a person you dislike and value his/her strengths instead? 

Wouldn't the world be a much better place if we learn to ignore shortfalls ? Something to ponder indeed.

Renuka G

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Of cravings and guavas

The hyper kid had her day! Usually my self control is pretty remarkable in terms of my diet that I reward myself everyday with a small piece of chocolate after my lunch. Today I had no chocolates since I haven't done my grocery shopping yet. Oh yes I have my once in a fortnight routine through which I stock up things for cooking, baking and snacking purposes. I was one disciplined kid you know, till yesterday. 

I even went to the extreme extent of having cabbage soup and toast for dinner! Neither missed workout nor night time yoga. I was that good! This morning I woke up and established a newly weds kinda relationship with the scale. Then it happened. Hyperactivity. 

My dad is a very responsible man! He knows my needs well and when my favourite snacks run out, even without me nagging he will stock the fridge real soon. So he came home after work with my go-to fruits like guava and pomegranate. By the way, today he bought a new addition, rose apple! Wondering what's that uh? Thanks to my curiosity , I found out the English name for Jambu Air to be rose apple or water apple. So that was it. Setting aside the healthy basket, I saw Pringles standing tall on the tv shelf and Merci in the bottom rack of the fridge. I knew there shall be a disaster. 

After my usual workout and shower, my dad offered me one rose apple. Like a good dad he offered me an healthy option, but he too did the damage by purchasing the fattening junk. An irony indeed. 

I was munching the sweet juicy fruit with my eyes fixed at the junk food sitting comfortably on the shelf! It didn't take my determination very long to surrender itself and rip open the potato crisps like a Cookie Monster! Or potato monster maybe? The crunching and munching went on and on till I realise I had to eat some nutritional food . Made a sunny side up eggs with grilled tomatoes and reheated the remaining cabbage soup in the microwave. Even in the given teeny tiny cooking and heating period, I sneaked a small piece of guava from the fridge and kept my mouth busy. Lots of different varieties of guavas in my system today. Guava day it shall be named.

After gobbling up dinner, Merci made my hands itch to unseal it. And I apparently did. I had never, even once in my life turned down chocolates! True story. I ate like three pieces savouring every chocolately almond crunch. Yum! Then I came to my senses of the damage I was doing via excessive sugar and salt and fat formation immediately making a bottle full of lemon-cucumber infused water. Drinking it helps in keeping my tummy feeling full thereby preventing further food intake for the rest of the night. And the mission was successful.

The truth shall uncover itself tomorrow when the happy relationship turns sour. Weighing scale, I wish your battery drains off. Haha. Or maybe I will limit my snacks tomorrow and weigh myself the next day!

There's always an escape and a fix *winks*

Renuka G

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