Saturday, June 20, 2015

The blank war

It was frequent stares at blank spaces ! Like blank, blank , blank and more blanks . What are these things telling me? 

There's a vacuum in my head. I'm having a love-hate relationship with this state. I wanna be blank at the same time I need to free myself from this. 

Have you heard of a man in a meditation cave trying to persuade God to reside within him? The pure abuse of the purpose of meditation itself, the silence. It's the same case at a different setting. Chasing for peace at the same time starting a war. 

I want this blank space. I want to just go silent and let things be whatever they are. Let the universe spin the way it should, like how the wise people prescribed! But that would be unambitious, mediocre and too easy. Probably 'easy' won't fit the note, the rest sure does.

The joy of thinking so less crossed by the anger of stillness. Imagine reading a book and stopping halfway to figure the writer's head and your comprehension and not meeting in between. Exactly the dilemma. 

Had I not wanted this? To let things just be! Now that I'm there, what is this conflict? I'm too driven , I have grown too ambitious and more selfish than I've ever been. My pursuits won't bow to this vacuum. 

The typical quest of need versus wants it boils down to. I need the blanks to stay sane but I'm constantly rebelling the state in the fear of being just someone among everybody else . I'm at peace yet I choose to set it free in order to welcome the chaos. 

I'm in trouble. The new definition of trouble designed for this case, the state when one's wants subvert his/her needs. I'm in so much trouble. I can't see regrets  , only confusions. What would I do when these spaces are all filled?

Will my wants ruin altogether the stability at my grip? Will I end up as one of those people who lost themselves in pursuit of dreams? Or am I setting out only to come back to where I started ? 

Renuka G