Monday, July 11, 2011

To Repress Rumination

Days passing like this. Exactly this way. For some time. A long time perhaps. Wondering about my imperfect life like there is no end and the beginning that I can’t recall anymore. Why it has been so? This way and not that way. 
Why oh why.....

Is imperfection a permanent trait that no man can change? Do I blame the trait or myself? Maybe in bearing such chaotic life, reflection doesn’t fit its part. Being entitled to live it, what difference does a look-back can do but draw fantasies. The weird notion though, of all the big things and grandiose changes we sculpture, is it wrong to think back? Is to stop and think the biggest mistake we humans make? 

To muse is to mangle voluntarily
Life is never an easy sail that mellows us. Never close to wonderland in which you can fly and change lives with a wand. It is indeed an intricate journey that had many cringing. As the wheel takes it’s turn and batters our belief system, mauling our emotions with the most lethal missile, what do we do? Do we halt our moves or keep running? In the war-zone named life is rumination worth? 

I don’t know why, I have always been a strong believer of musing. Took  privilege on my ability to have a moment to turn my thoughts into the past and ponder upon the whys and hows. At this point of my life, it strikes me that all this while I had been on the wrong side. The biggest flaw that appeals to me the most is the “stops” I made and the turns I took to hark back on the past. 

They were never of any worth. Never had been. Life goes on no matters what. To look at the damage made and happiness and the path taken and the ones so far, is nothing but procreation of misery. I don’t know how to make this life better anymore. I'm here and I’m done trying. Just go on Renuka. I can only calm myself to believe I have lost. But life goes on, me being the person I am. Imperfect. Never the wise. Never the talented. Never even close to perfection. Never the one I want to be. 

Every time before I go to bed I tend to ask this, Damn what’s with my life. And the only voice that answers me is the voice within; convincing me the problem is with myself and nothing else. Dear, when the thoughts are negative how do you welcome positivity in life? 

the show is over. I'm DONE
So to fix. How is that? Is it like I meditate and clear up all my overrated thoughts or shall I say fantasies and provide vacuum for new thoughts to emerge into the cavern?  Well easier said than done. That is it. Honestly, changes are subtle subject indeed. Possibilities of it congregating are always high. However, for you to dictate them is hard and rare as becoming a millionaire overnight.  Wrapping up, with the words like hard and hate holding life under custody, how does one build up vacuum for optimistic vision? Without that, how does happiness converge in? Its like a one way road to misery.

At the end of the day, when you sit down to muse, are these happenings good to be indulged in?

So ya finally, as the reality sinks in, all I can do is keep moving. Move on with this path I chose. Good or bad let’s just stay blind. For I’m not a ruminator anymore....

Turns throw tantrums
Renuka G


gsm said...

As a common saying goes a life lived for others is the best.We shld live for those who need us,for those who love us,but we find that is very hard to do. We put unneccasary thoughts and hatred into our minds ,ponder over them and ruin the life given to us.We are all stupid at times,very stupid indeed. 99% miseries in life are self made one 1% was pished into us.If all we had been a bit more carefull we could hv saved so many hardships in life.We always refuse to look back and admit our flaws.If we keep on saying we never achieved anything and that we are failures then we are just idiots or fools to be frank.We always talk about the stops we made the uturns we took but we never admit the no entries we blindly went into!!Which was better the stops,the uturns or the no entries we went into!Human mentality !Life is travelling on a highway just Touch n Go !I said touch n go !If we personally refuse to admit and be happy of what we are,be proud of what we are then who else will.As i have said its all in our mind if we think and conclude we are a loser we wl turn out one,thats our stupidity and mentality!We always look out for something to blame on thats the problem.Like a mad dog we are all running to find something,not realising its actually in our possession.Once our mind set is negative nothing can help us.We never behaved like professionals we were never proud of us we never valued our achievemnts,We wasted our nights comparing and indulged in self pity most of the time.Lets get back to our senses and face reality.Lets asses ourselves.Lets not attempt to change things ,lets try to make it comfortable at least.Many wl come many wl go but its our life we hv to live it.Be proud of what you until u feel that way your negative thoughts wl make u feel u are a loser,learn to look down at others by feeling u are at the top of the world dont always look at others by putting urself in the valley!By now you hv to realise how important is it to be proud of oneself ,if we look down on ouselves then why blame when others feel that way about us.Ponder about it!Hv a great day.