Friday, September 9, 2011

A Teacher I guess

I have constantly questioned this choice I made but every time I reflect it is like a never ending state. Time passed and still passing, it has been more than 2 years and here I am still wondering whether this is what I really wanted, I jolly should do or just my destiny. A lot of things in the past and at the present have taught me that its never easy to convince my own self. Neither it is to control my thinking. 

My dear peers,
Why do you want to be a teacher?

 This is the  key question that many of you meddle with like myself here but have procrastinated in finding an answer. I suggest you all start searching for your motivation now. Every morning when I wake up, I foresee and put myself together for the much dissatisfaction I will have to squeeze myself for on that day. I also see that these difficulties will stretch on for many frustrating years since it has been 2 years since I started on this course. Every morning before I make my way to the class , I struggle to be convinced with my own answers. More often than not, I fail but who cares and who can make a difference. 

Let’s just face the facts, there is no splendour, fortune or ease to be found in this profession what more if you are later posted in a rural world which so alien to those of the same background as me. But there is a need. So great this need is that it requires a willing heart to sacrifice itself for the benefit of others. When you go to your school, you will see this need, it might succumb you, suffocate you and trust me it do wonders that you have never imagined. You see it in the blank stares of the blank slates in your class, their unknowing errors & their hesitance to use the language.  This one week experience at conassian convent made me muse deep for an answer which remain submerged. I saw a lot. And I'm the least motivated to pursue this. It just went by the wind. My heart is not on this. I will never get where I once saw heaven.

Even if I were to stay blind on the posting, what good does the course itself brings? Just a piece of advice to anyone who wants to join a TESL programme in a government teachers training college just because you LOVE English,  I suggest forget it, forgo it. I can’t say it any better. I’m that person who took Literature in English for my SPM just for the fun of literature and Shakespeare. The only reason I was convinced about this programme WAS because it is ENGLISH. Apparently I was wrong. English is of close to no value. Those with a good command of English are just tiny bacteria. Perhaps like everyone else.  Its all about teaching, who cares about English!

I feel my patience is wearing thin. I constantly depress that I am no longer doing exactly what I believe in, that I can dictate my thoughts and everything else. I can’t love it and I can’t force it!

We all cling on hopes that the future is what we expect it to be, as a sculpture you want to see, touch and awe. It is faith that grips us from pulling the plug, from throwing our hands up in defeat. Every now and then, our hopes are challenged and we feel like there is not much left to prove.

Have I lost hope? What am I trying to prove, really? That I can do it under all stress?  that I can free myself of what I wanted to be? that I’m a superwoman who is all happy?
No answer sounds sweet here.

Let’s not deny it, teaching is unglamorous, tedious and painful. Honestly. I have not well-read this the hard way but I find it hard to accept that this is reality. I can’t anticipate my graduation knowing it just the end of pain and depression but not realization of the dreams. Though I know I can pursue what I want after all these tough years. But what if...........

I’m patient, I’m not a waiter. I might be a rebel but I’m not a chaser.....
Renuka G