Signs like this...

Signs. I don't know what's with signs that they are so hard ignore. And if you get them thrice, it's even worse. Like a lipstick stain on your beloved's shirt, it rushes you to question things or perhaps the stain as in the case. Though the example sounds so lame making my dead ancestors come alive just to spit on my blog ( just in case they're stalking), it is actually true. Or to exaggerate, VERY true!

What signs are bugging Renuka right now?

Well the same old signs I'm getting since the beginning of last year. My inability to teach! Today was indeed a chaotic day at school. To make things worse, they or shall I say someone paired my lesson plan which is meant for a mixed ability class with a class of low proficiency students. Sabotage! But what can I do right?

However, I went in and tried to teach according to their level by changing the activities and some parts of the poem. Then guess what? Earthquake took place, only in that particular class. Shaking the tables, Bingo, chopping and spinning erasers etc etc. As usual I tried my level best to address them one by one and stay calm in my speech. Sadly, it didn't last longer than 3 minutes and the havoc was alive again. Worse than a flea market!

Since I know it would be a waste of time to get them to listen, I carried on. The girls as usual were attentive and stuffs while the boys were basically trying to model LMFAO's videos which apparently didn't make me LMFAO! Soon things got real bad that I couldn't even hear my own voice. You guys know how loud I sound right? So just imagine how loud they were.

The final phase of devastation, I gave up. Honestly I didn't finish up the lesson. I left the class without saying a word. I smiled though! You know my smile can mean a lot of things, so I'll let you guess what this one meant.

I choose to think today was a sign. All my school based experiences showed the same. They all highlighted who I can't be- a teacher. Its hard for me to be stern, I don't beat or shout at kids, I give up easily, above all I don't have the passion. I love literature, I love English but they are just not enough to make me feel good about teaching.

I have been fighting this battle within myself since the day I took up this course and it's just never ending. Now that I'm aware of these signs, I fear what the future holds.

Signs are also like science, you can't take them lightly. But in my case, I shouldn't/ mustn't even think about them!

There's no other choice except to try and try and try.

And ya tomorrow is my last day of SBE. No worries, not sad, just feeling so normal. Whatever they are going to write or tick in the form, I don't care and to your surprise this is the very first time I'm not scared of evaluation. Good thing? You think so?

I don't know.

Good night!