to teach- have taught

What's next?? ' Selamat Berpraktikum' jawabnya!

In about 1 week time, I will be in a rural school in Marang for my 1st practicum. Which school?? Saving that one for the first post when I start my duty as a 'cikgu practikal'. Fingers-crossed you oolzz.

It has been around nearly 2 weeks since I started my crazy assignment-ruled life, finally, FINALLY it officially ended today at 5.30pm with the successful completion of my Science coursework which had a great deal of mathematics in it as well. You know how inseparable the two are ! Whatever. It's over and that's it , that's all, the end.  But this post has just begun. This night is still young to put me to sleep.

So what this is going to be about?

I warn you it's cheesy enough to make you hate me bad. In a world where everyone is searching for a reason to declare themselves an atheist and calling themselves a science-person, I sensed the miracles in life. The feeling of being blessed. At a few instances lately, and the most obvious is today. Just when I thought it's too late, something opened up a path. I don't know, maybe it's the mighty power from up above, maybe it's luck, but most certainly not a science-concept. I'm not bragging about the escape, merely expressing my gratitude to the blessings I have been showered with lately. It might be gone tomorrow itself, who knows maybe now, that's not the point. I'm thankful for what took place. Future is still self-dependent. I have to work hard like everybody else.

Gratitude is one thing. Next, being put under pressure! When you get busy, everything just boils up to an extreme point where you feel like banging you head on the wall, table, printer, etc. I was so close to snapping, seriously. Somehow, I don't know how, I managed to keep my cool and pull through. Maybe I do agree that I work well under pressure yet I struggle to cope up with what's happening. Most of the times I scream in my head, I curse and at worse circumstances kill a few people in there *winks* It helps though. Foolproof!

What else? Reading! Yea my long-left hobby. I have to make reading an agenda again soon, real soon. I really am feeling super-guilty writing with limited vocab and simple primary school sentences. You know when you make lesson plans for year 1 to year 3 pupils, you get used to one syllable and two syllable words, that's what I have become. And I swear it sucks. PERIOD!

Oh wait, the book voucher! RM 250 is a lot of money. Prickly though I have used RM 100 for my reference book for Classroom Management leaving me with RM 150 voucher remaining. Probably I can only spend RM 50 on good books because the rest I have to use to buy things to be used later for making my teaching aids during my practicum. Sad right?? Well, teachers....

Wanna continue with the Big bang theory now. Nites!

Renuka G

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Chased by Nothing

HAHA

Here comes the funny thing about my life. Last year I was busy running from circumstances and this year since the very beginning I had been busy running on tracks and fields. Haha I can't help but laugh about the running events of different sorts. Today was yet another. More like a spontaneous run it was.

It's the Sports Day of IPGM KDRI, and as usual I was super lazy to get my butt off my bed and go watch. Truth be told, I should have been the participant in the 400m and 4x400m run if only I wasn't tacky enough to lie that I will be having some other important programme on this date. Karma, it has its own way of biting one's ass. Haha. So how did I end up on the field??

My early plan this morning was to wake up at about 9 and go to the library to search for science journal for my assignment, however, since the section was closed I had no choice but to go the Red House's tent and flash my so-called-diligence. After a while, I was approached by someone in-charge requesting me to substitute another runner who got injured that sole day for 100m run or more like what we call as sprint. My usual reaction 'What the fish??!! Why me??!!'. Then the someone mercilessly brought the buried lie of mine of claiming to have another programme yada yada. Being so ashamed of myself for lying and to burn a few calories ( of course!) with a cheering-crowd, I agreed. M062 was my number, position was the 4th lane. Still remember, my few friends who escorted me to the starting line. It was funny because instead of supporting their own sport houses they came to cheer for me. Love my classmates, love my girls! Muaxx. Well it was a quirky start for I'm not so used to run using the starting block which I simply adjusted exactly like a rookie.

On your mark, Get set, the gun shot and run Renuka run!

I came 4th! Well no medals for the 4th place I know. Yet to compete with great sprinters and come 4th out of 8 participants, not bad I should say. At least something to remember and to be proud of. My daily jog on the TelTrac ground certainly paid off. Ok fine Renuka stop!

Tomorrow is just another day with some more running. Extreme running! A 100 m run, 400m run, long jump and what do you call lontar peluru in English??? Whatever that is. Naah no medals, only points which will help me in getting an A for Athletics subject.

Finally for your information, I'm super tanned like an african kid at the moment. *Sighs* The pros and cons of being an athlete :P

Till next time

Renuka G

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Inhale, Exhale

Hello everyone!

I don't know what it feels like to wake up in the morning feeling so perfect about life. Not a flawed perception I'm arguing against but the painful truth laid forth by the wheel of life. It isn't perfect, can't dream for it to be perfect either as that means I'm challenging the course of nature. We are all travelling on a bumpy bumpy road, trying to walk as if it is a smooth ground beneath our feet. What an illusion! Impostors we could be, or  perhaps we already are.
Let's just admit it.

We are who we are for some reasons. We do certain things for some as well. Yet not perfection that we are striving  for. Nobody is thinking this could change my life, it could make it better while making decisions. Just a little happiness, a sprinkle of belonging-ness, or a momentary cure, I can't tell for sure, beyond assuring the mentioned to be some reasons we act stupid, be reckless and forget some claimed-to-be-important things called the norm. Scary as the word sounds, norms are nothing but rules by another name. And what are rules for? All to be broken at the end of the day.

So what am I now? An advocate of social issues who stands by it? Naah not even close. Human actions are bound to be justified by oneself in self-defense. I could take the stand and prove myself  innocent and invalidate whatever accusations thrown upon me in the name of self-defense. The question though is, am I really innocent?

Maybe I'm not. Once again, back on the impostors we could be, can't I be one then? Let me carry a sack of guilt on both my shoulders, let it prick me every moment of coming times, be it then. I'm not a saint after all  It kept me happy once. It cured me once. It threw me a life-line when I was drowning deep. It wept my tears when all the world cared was to point fingers at me. And last but not least, it wasn't curious of my past. In my defense, I'm not at wrong.

Did I say I''m right?? Think again.

This journey has taken its toll upon me. I'm exhausted. I'm indeed exasperated. Explanations won't be suffice to let you walk around with my heart, in my shoes. So I gave up. Assurance. What are they? Hope? Expectation? It means nothing, deep inside we all know, words are nothing but mere words. Why bother?

Where I am right now, I can't please anyone, nor I demand anyone to please me. I have tried my best to save what we had. Now I'm just watching it slip away. Far far away. I might be a sinner for being who I have been, or maybe there's a better name, I don't know. Truth be told, no matter how hard I try to be the person I used to be once upon a time, I can't get there. Just in case you are wondering, YES I tried. Maybe it is true, never know someone too well, too much knowledge isn't good, so is too much care. I can't deny that I love you soo soo much, aahhh unlucky me, my actions can't reflect my love.

It sucks to sit here and muse over good times and those great memories. Maybe it's loneliness the only thing I'm entitled to.

Yet I end it with a smile :)

Renuka G

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Build thyself

In life, we can either choose to fail or plan to excel. One can take the easy route with less hurdles by accepting defeat or beat the odds and accomplish something at the end. I did the latter today.

Raising the bar is a thing, giving it a try is another. We often does the first well and let it go sooner or later. We set expectations only thinking at the surface, later when we find it consuming too much energy and hard-work, we make simple conclusions, calling it a day. We let chances to be awesome slip by with zero regrets. What we failed to realize is that the gist of life is to push further, to add on to who we are, to learn and to accomplish what we wish for.

I did that today. I added a personal certificate upon my achievement. I know I'm capable something, which I've never discovered before, which I bet is an amazing feeling.

I don't what is your idea of a good life but mine to conquer, to conquer as much possible while I'm here. I want to learn, I want to achieve, I want to live!

Renuka G

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Shining Armour

There are some people we will meet in life, once they are gone , they become irreplaceable. They brightens even the dark-most alleys with all they have, leaving you in a save place. And if you dare to look back to face the incomprehensible truth, believe that now they are traveling the same road and the same darkness, alone and helpless.

Since such love comes free, we only stand back and watch them go, to later regret on what we've missed. Love that comes with a price tag is not love at all even if millions chase after it, and a love which comes uninvited is not cheap after all. Flowers blossom at unlikely of places, plus all that shines is not a diamond.

Have you ever judged someone who loves you unconditionally only because it wasn't mutual? Have you ever thrown a true-love for high-priced bond? And have you ever stopped listening to your heart because it spoke the truth?

Think about it.

Some things, some people come into our lives as a gift. Sadly though, we chuck them aside even before knowing what's in the package.

Remember, sometimes IT IS too late to fix things.

Renuka G

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Flawed Judgments

Let me share a secret you all might have overlooked in the years you've lived.

Most wrongdoings that we commit ourselves to, at many crossroads which we opt to take the path just to go astray from the right thing, we already know. Some misdoings are mistakes I agree yet often they're crimes committed consciously.

People throw the blame upon age and rage usually, don't know how far this excuse could talk ourselves out from taking the stand. Truth be told, when we succumb to evil desires and get our hands dirty by playing foul, deep inside though we're not fully in peace with the act, we do execute it. Later comes the phase of wiping away the proofs, the sole phase in which one could even rationalize the cruel-most act of all time, the phase called Justification-Overflow. Like water for a felon to clean his bloody hands, it keeps pouring till our inner-soul believes a wrong can be right only if reasoned from a felon's view.

As much as you want to deny this, probably you're already nodding to what I've written, it will get you thinking, trust me. Soon you will justify as well for that's how the circles completes.

I'm not advocating my view to label each of us a criminal or human without conscience. Plus, why would I when I'm in agreement with selfishness being a way to survive in today's world. Nobody is perfect at the end of the day. No matter how intelligently you can argue against this, it's indeed a foolproof statement to win any case at any circumstances thus being one of the most frequently used excuse during the Justification-Overflow phase.

My point here is to forgive. People turning against their own will and then rationalizing is like a norm, it happens everywhere to nearly everyone. Sometimes when looking at the finish line, we miss little things like values and the noble act of accepting defeat and being crushed by the tide once in a while. The desire to win often drives one to commit wrongdoings even though deep inside it has pricked them at least for a moment. Forgive them. They're not strong. Sometimes being put in similar situation, we get weak as well. And when this happens, muster up courage to walk away from those desires. It might be a norm, it might be  human-law, but you can't paint everything white only to cover the spots you wanted to make once.

Recall the last time you betrayed your conscience, smeared it with one-sided justifications and slept peacefully at night knowing the ghost of the past won't haunt you ? Well, maybe the ghost won't but being human needs so much more than being real and knowing what's real. It needs the courage of walking away even at instances you sense the strongest desire to get through a situation and swim across all defeats.

In actuality, to ponder upon the times we gave in to fooling our conscience, gets me to think, how flawed are we?

Speaking of flaws, some flaws are designed to be corrected. We are sure imperfect individuals, yet we can choose which flaws to live with and which one to clean ourselves from.

Muse over!

Renuka G

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