Monday, March 11, 2013

Inhale, Exhale

Hello everyone!

I don't know what it feels like to wake up in the morning feeling so perfect about life. Not a flawed perception I'm arguing against but the painful truth laid forth by the wheel of life. It isn't perfect, can't dream for it to be perfect either as that means I'm challenging the course of nature. We are all travelling on a bumpy bumpy road, trying to walk as if it is a smooth ground beneath our feet. What an illusion! Impostors we could be, or  perhaps we already are.
Let's just admit it.

We are who we are for some reasons. We do certain things for some as well. Yet not perfection that we are striving  for. Nobody is thinking this could change my life, it could make it better while making decisions. Just a little happiness, a sprinkle of belonging-ness, or a momentary cure, I can't tell for sure, beyond assuring the mentioned to be some reasons we act stupid, be reckless and forget some claimed-to-be-important things called the norm. Scary as the word sounds, norms are nothing but rules by another name. And what are rules for? All to be broken at the end of the day.

So what am I now? An advocate of social issues who stands by it? Naah not even close. Human actions are bound to be justified by oneself in self-defense. I could take the stand and prove myself  innocent and invalidate whatever accusations thrown upon me in the name of self-defense. The question though is, am I really innocent?

Maybe I'm not. Once again, back on the impostors we could be, can't I be one then? Let me carry a sack of guilt on both my shoulders, let it prick me every moment of coming times, be it then. I'm not a saint after all  It kept me happy once. It cured me once. It threw me a life-line when I was drowning deep. It wept my tears when all the world cared was to point fingers at me. And last but not least, it wasn't curious of my past. In my defense, I'm not at wrong.

Did I say I''m right?? Think again.

This journey has taken its toll upon me. I'm exhausted. I'm indeed exasperated. Explanations won't be suffice to let you walk around with my heart, in my shoes. So I gave up. Assurance. What are they? Hope? Expectation? It means nothing, deep inside we all know, words are nothing but mere words. Why bother?

Where I am right now, I can't please anyone, nor I demand anyone to please me. I have tried my best to save what we had. Now I'm just watching it slip away. Far far away. I might be a sinner for being who I have been, or maybe there's a better name, I don't know. Truth be told, no matter how hard I try to be the person I used to be once upon a time, I can't get there. Just in case you are wondering, YES I tried. Maybe it is true, never know someone too well, too much knowledge isn't good, so is too much care. I can't deny that I love you soo soo much, aahhh unlucky me, my actions can't reflect my love.

It sucks to sit here and muse over good times and those great memories. Maybe it's loneliness the only thing I'm entitled to.

Yet I end it with a smile :)

Renuka G