Nervous, Anxious

I slept way too much yesterday and that's the reason for this unfortunate blogpost.

I have all my things packed to shift to Marang tomorrow evening and I found myself screaming out this question in my head , ' How the hell are you going to teach Renuka?'.

Yes exactly! How?

I have been trained with both theories and practice for about 4 years and this question? Just shoot me please.

Or maybe I'm too nervous about being observed by lecturer and senior teachers, I don't know. But I bet I'm not at all calm about this whole thing called practicals. Its like I need a breather. Ok that's an overstatement, pardon me!

Again back on how. How? Actually, so far from my experiences, I could say I'm a good teacher. I'm friendly with the kids, sometimes a pushover , prickly. I can communicate with them, I can slow down my pace whenever necessary. The huge problem though is, I can't be stern. Anyone envisioning me as a discipline teacher, please kill yourself! I can't. Up to this point I've never shouted or punished any kid in my class during my school-based-experience or be it any event with the pupils. Keeping a clean record. I don't want to change what's shelved yet I'm afraid I can't. Practicals involves real teaching, not me going into class playing games and answering their questions about my life. Far more complicated than what I've been through. So again, BE AFRAID RENUKA!

One thing for sure is I don't want to play mediocre. I want to deliver my best performance as a teacher without putting the children to sleep during my lesson. More like a constructivist classroom. I will keep everyone updated!

Pray for me.

Renuka G

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to teach- have taught

What's next?? ' Selamat Berpraktikum' jawabnya!

In about 1 week time, I will be in a rural school in Marang for my 1st practicum. Which school?? Saving that one for the first post when I start my duty as a 'cikgu practikal'. Fingers-crossed you oolzz.

It has been around nearly 2 weeks since I started my crazy assignment-ruled life, finally, FINALLY it officially ended today at 5.30pm with the successful completion of my Science coursework which had a great deal of mathematics in it as well. You know how inseparable the two are ! Whatever. It's over and that's it , that's all, the end.  But this post has just begun. This night is still young to put me to sleep.

So what this is going to be about?

I warn you it's cheesy enough to make you hate me bad. In a world where everyone is searching for a reason to declare themselves an atheist and calling themselves a science-person, I sensed the miracles in life. The feeling of being blessed. At a few instances lately, and the most obvious is today. Just when I thought it's too late, something opened up a path. I don't know, maybe it's the mighty power from up above, maybe it's luck, but most certainly not a science-concept. I'm not bragging about the escape, merely expressing my gratitude to the blessings I have been showered with lately. It might be gone tomorrow itself, who knows maybe now, that's not the point. I'm thankful for what took place. Future is still self-dependent. I have to work hard like everybody else.

Gratitude is one thing. Next, being put under pressure! When you get busy, everything just boils up to an extreme point where you feel like banging you head on the wall, table, printer, etc. I was so close to snapping, seriously. Somehow, I don't know how, I managed to keep my cool and pull through. Maybe I do agree that I work well under pressure yet I struggle to cope up with what's happening. Most of the times I scream in my head, I curse and at worse circumstances kill a few people in there *winks* It helps though. Foolproof!

What else? Reading! Yea my long-left hobby. I have to make reading an agenda again soon, real soon. I really am feeling super-guilty writing with limited vocab and simple primary school sentences. You know when you make lesson plans for year 1 to year 3 pupils, you get used to one syllable and two syllable words, that's what I have become. And I swear it sucks. PERIOD!

Oh wait, the book voucher! RM 250 is a lot of money. Prickly though I have used RM 100 for my reference book for Classroom Management leaving me with RM 150 voucher remaining. Probably I can only spend RM 50 on good books because the rest I have to use to buy things to be used later for making my teaching aids during my practicum. Sad right?? Well, teachers....

Wanna continue with the Big bang theory now. Nites!

Renuka G

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Chased by Nothing

HAHA

Here comes the funny thing about my life. Last year I was busy running from circumstances and this year since the very beginning I had been busy running on tracks and fields. Haha I can't help but laugh about the running events of different sorts. Today was yet another. More like a spontaneous run it was.

It's the Sports Day of IPGM KDRI, and as usual I was super lazy to get my butt off my bed and go watch. Truth be told, I should have been the participant in the 400m and 4x400m run if only I wasn't tacky enough to lie that I will be having some other important programme on this date. Karma, it has its own way of biting one's ass. Haha. So how did I end up on the field??

My early plan this morning was to wake up at about 9 and go to the library to search for science journal for my assignment, however, since the section was closed I had no choice but to go the Red House's tent and flash my so-called-diligence. After a while, I was approached by someone in-charge requesting me to substitute another runner who got injured that sole day for 100m run or more like what we call as sprint. My usual reaction 'What the fish??!! Why me??!!'. Then the someone mercilessly brought the buried lie of mine of claiming to have another programme yada yada. Being so ashamed of myself for lying and to burn a few calories ( of course!) with a cheering-crowd, I agreed. M062 was my number, position was the 4th lane. Still remember, my few friends who escorted me to the starting line. It was funny because instead of supporting their own sport houses they came to cheer for me. Love my classmates, love my girls! Muaxx. Well it was a quirky start for I'm not so used to run using the starting block which I simply adjusted exactly like a rookie.

On your mark, Get set, the gun shot and run Renuka run!

I came 4th! Well no medals for the 4th place I know. Yet to compete with great sprinters and come 4th out of 8 participants, not bad I should say. At least something to remember and to be proud of. My daily jog on the TelTrac ground certainly paid off. Ok fine Renuka stop!

Tomorrow is just another day with some more running. Extreme running! A 100 m run, 400m run, long jump and what do you call lontar peluru in English??? Whatever that is. Naah no medals, only points which will help me in getting an A for Athletics subject.

Finally for your information, I'm super tanned like an african kid at the moment. *Sighs* The pros and cons of being an athlete :P

Till next time

Renuka G

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Inhale, Exhale

Hello everyone!

I don't know what it feels like to wake up in the morning feeling so perfect about life. Not a flawed perception I'm arguing against but the painful truth laid forth by the wheel of life. It isn't perfect, can't dream for it to be perfect either as that means I'm challenging the course of nature. We are all travelling on a bumpy bumpy road, trying to walk as if it is a smooth ground beneath our feet. What an illusion! Impostors we could be, or  perhaps we already are.
Let's just admit it.

We are who we are for some reasons. We do certain things for some as well. Yet not perfection that we are striving  for. Nobody is thinking this could change my life, it could make it better while making decisions. Just a little happiness, a sprinkle of belonging-ness, or a momentary cure, I can't tell for sure, beyond assuring the mentioned to be some reasons we act stupid, be reckless and forget some claimed-to-be-important things called the norm. Scary as the word sounds, norms are nothing but rules by another name. And what are rules for? All to be broken at the end of the day.

So what am I now? An advocate of social issues who stands by it? Naah not even close. Human actions are bound to be justified by oneself in self-defense. I could take the stand and prove myself  innocent and invalidate whatever accusations thrown upon me in the name of self-defense. The question though is, am I really innocent?

Maybe I'm not. Once again, back on the impostors we could be, can't I be one then? Let me carry a sack of guilt on both my shoulders, let it prick me every moment of coming times, be it then. I'm not a saint after all  It kept me happy once. It cured me once. It threw me a life-line when I was drowning deep. It wept my tears when all the world cared was to point fingers at me. And last but not least, it wasn't curious of my past. In my defense, I'm not at wrong.

Did I say I''m right?? Think again.

This journey has taken its toll upon me. I'm exhausted. I'm indeed exasperated. Explanations won't be suffice to let you walk around with my heart, in my shoes. So I gave up. Assurance. What are they? Hope? Expectation? It means nothing, deep inside we all know, words are nothing but mere words. Why bother?

Where I am right now, I can't please anyone, nor I demand anyone to please me. I have tried my best to save what we had. Now I'm just watching it slip away. Far far away. I might be a sinner for being who I have been, or maybe there's a better name, I don't know. Truth be told, no matter how hard I try to be the person I used to be once upon a time, I can't get there. Just in case you are wondering, YES I tried. Maybe it is true, never know someone too well, too much knowledge isn't good, so is too much care. I can't deny that I love you soo soo much, aahhh unlucky me, my actions can't reflect my love.

It sucks to sit here and muse over good times and those great memories. Maybe it's loneliness the only thing I'm entitled to.

Yet I end it with a smile :)

Renuka G

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