Overly-Attached Demands

This is the phase of my life called 'To survive is to learn'. I have grasped a tremendous amount of things for the past few weeks. It was an opportunity to walk out from my comfort zone to let things that I've never experienced before touch me. At first just like any other typical control-freak, I resisted. I was full of anger, felt like a scapegoat of the inescapable event, perturbed to an extent where each bit of my patience only morphed into tears and over-attachment to my bed. It was difficult.

The occurrence which started with a silent-cry soon turned into a loud meltdown, somehow gathering helping hands that came for rescue. I guess this is just how things work, it has to get worse before getting better. And the latter finally took place. I realized it was not all that tough afterall. I was not alone. The problem was me. It was me who stubbornly refuse to come out from my comfort zone. It was me who told myself, this should not have happened when I was expected to simply adapt and learn. 

I have always had the thirst to learn, but why did I over-react on this one?  

FEAR. The fear of failure. As much as I'm curious about learning, I'm also scared of  failing. Over the years I have developed within myself an imaginary wall which allows no excuse for failure. However, what I missed was, to learn you have to move away from your comfort zone. To learn one has to make mistakes. To learn one has to be prepared to fail. Instead of embracing the mysterious blessing, I treated the situation like a battalion of enemies launching attack after another onto me. That was then.

I feel alright now. Things seem to be under control while I steal the chances to learn and be better. Here I realized one important fact, the bitter pill to swallow is what will make you recover. Recover from your ego, high-demands and unrealistic expectations on how things should be/go.

Let loose!

Renuka G

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Batman knows

I'm supposed to be yay-ing because it's school holidays but no, very few reasons to do a somersault over this schedule-free period. Well by schedule I mean official works that comes under my job description as a teacher like entering the class, writing lessons etc. I'm still, or to be more accurate my 'mind' is still occupied with the duties assigned and of course those I have bestowed upon myself.

I wonder if a teacher ever stops thinking because I apparently fail to press stop. Thoughts ring the bell one after another leaving me breaks only during naps. Alright perhaps that is too much of an exaggeration , I'm sorry. The truth is the current situation seems to bug me a little or a lot I dare say. It's not like I'm refusing to distract myself, I do. Despite all the idea-hunting activities I still find time to bake and workout. Thank god! I just wish I could adjust the level of stress I'm putting myself into. Sometimes I just disappear! Not literally for sure, duhh. What I mean is that I expose myself to excessive number of questions pertaining the future and my next plan of action.

The first monthly test just ended and I have to measure where I stand in terms of teaching and where I could get these students and the hows. Well it's indeed a fact that I can just throw in the towel and treat tomorrows like yesterday. However, I refuse to be so. It doesn't matter how much I love this profession, to educate is what I'm paid for . It's a commitment and of course a responsibility handed to me. I always take the two seriously no matter what the situation is. The question is not how to run,but how to survive. How to adapt to this routine and choose the right way to cope with it?

I hope I will get there soon!

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Sweat=Fat Crying

Well it has been sometime since I flaunted the fitness-freak in me. Today shall be the day. 

So it was like three gyms that I tried out which left the feeling of uncertainty at the same level. First and foremost, getting a gym membership in small towns is not cheap. Or you think otherwise? Probably due to lack of competition and surely lack of support from the public that things are the way they are. But whatever, my problem is time. The cliche kind of excuse, I know, yet truth is the truth. Weekdays I might have to pinch on the spare time for other work related demands. Spending so much to hit the gym for 2 days seems pretty silly, to me. It all comes down to the question of worth vs cost in which I found worth in this case could come with an alternative.

A gym membership would discipline you and make you stay committed to your fitness goals. At least that is what I choose to believe. For me, I can achieve them at home comfort. Well probably not all but at least most. My recent investments  on a stability ball and heavier pair of dumbbells is what I'm resolving to. 

I got to speak about the stability ball! It may look like some children's toy but with it you can do wonders! By wonders I mean numerous exercises for toning your upper and lower body. The ball is the real challenge. I dare you try it!

Things are actually looking bright when it comes to being fit. I was worried since I started working the stress might make me splurge on junks. Of course instances as such did take place but stayed under control. Now I have started to eat healthy as well. You know what they say, fitness is a lifestyle. To even see your abs you need to lose the fat layers. I have swapped my snacks for fruits and Greek yogurt while keeping carb-intake low. My only wish is to get this routine going so it becomes a habit. 

For all the weights that I did today, I'm not hitting the gym tomorrow I guess. Typical! Probably you will catch me running at the jogging ground here ! After that comes all the hard work of balancing on the stability ball and my dumbbell workouts  . 

Stay healthy, stay fit!

Renuka G

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Prescriptions

It is apparently true what people say about passion, it's an addiction. You will always bounce back like a ball slammed on a surface. Hence this new post justified.

The past few weeks had been pretty overwhelming. I could say 'hard' but it won't explain the truth. Not to pinpoint everything  on work, many other things took place further piling on mental strain. It was a feeling close to drowning but far from panic. The cherry on top is, I reacted so less. I used to jump at every instance and let those tears roll as if it's the proper way to deal with a breakdown. You might think I'd say I'm stronger. Unfortunately, that's not the case. 

I just do not care about some things anymore. Whatever that took place in the past taught me to take life as it unfolds. There is no need to over think the unpredictable, stalk and investigate, or even to question the whys. Everything that you need to know will be brought to you someday, someway. I have so much to do and learn and that I won't compromise for anything. Some people are passing clouds, I would never invest so much trying to hold on to something that would't fit me in the long term. 

One thing I have to get off my chest though. There are certain individuals in the world who thinks life is what they live and everybody else is wrong. Foolish I say. Your life is how you choose to engineer it. If someone brainwashes you into believing a formula to a happy life is what that's in their hands, punch them right on their face! It has never worked that way. If you ever beg someone to show you the right path, then do punch yourself! It's more like finding the perfect pair of shoes. You have to try a few pairs, walk a few steps, pick the right color, think about the most practical choice and weigh your wallet. Simply put, in life you have to take a few decisions and evaluate all of them so you find your own equation that is applicable to your personal life. 

It is not tough but truth be told, we are only afraid of the possible negative outcome. We belittle our abilities to design our lives and settle for anything that we saw perfect from a spectator's angle. Remember, all that shines is not gold.  The same eyes that enables vision are famous for deceptions as well. In short, stop prescribing formulas and receiving formulas. The experiences we had have reasons. Use them to find yourself, and later pursue whatever the hell you want!

Renuka G

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A sip of knowledge

I believe one thing you have to do especially while you are still young and commitment-free is, to jump at every opportunity to learn. Three weeks at the new school has taught me so much. Be it in terms of professional development or self-empowerment , it has been a great place to explore new things. I did not deny the stress and the tiresome journey nor I wish to sugar-coat everything that is taking place. I am merely stating this profession is not what it looks like on the surface. There is so much more in being a teacher and I am taking baby-steps every single day.

It is obvious that the teachers at school are seasoned with experience and knowledge. Their class control is close to perfection while mine is a huge mess still when it comes to lower primary classes. I am excited to learn and to improve and to experiment. These are what makes days interesting. I did not sign up for a   9 to 5 job in front of a PC. I am a teacher. That is what I am and that is what I shall remain, at least for another few years.

Renuka G

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That day

So what's the whole fuss about? The weekend? 

As Valentine's Day is drawing near, things that are taking place only reminds me of how far I have travelled away from the search for the one. Perhaps my ambitions have consumed the part of me which used to overly sigh over the loneliness and an nonexistent companionship. I think it's just human nature to run from one thing to another.

I was afraid of heartbreaks hence I left chasing after dreams that I know would be feasible. I prefer being in control. Call me a control freak and I would nod in agreement.  Love and relationships are subtle. So complicated that it's hard to see it as an easy experience. People on the other hand are the worst subject to master. It might sound like a surrender-note but it's more of a temporary one.

I'm full of questions which I don't demand for answers anymore. I have too many demands that I won't pen down as I used to. Everything runs in my mind occasionally like an exciting ad playing in between my self-directed play. Maybe I have found the one, maybe not.  Maybe I know what I feel, maybe that's an excitement of a child over a toy. Whatever that is meant to be yours should and will reach you when you are ready to accept it.  For now, my plate is full.

People that I had an opportunity to cross paths with taught me the value of respect and the importance of living a meaningful life. My priorities are different now. If love can still find me despite all the odds, then do delay the journey a little. 

Renuka G

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