Go ahead, fuss!

I'm not complaining. Believe it if you are dumb ! I apparently, most certainly, without a single percent of doubt ,am complaining. How else would you sanely and rationally put it?

I could possibly be in denial. The condition in which a person justifies everything favoring to one's own fairytale-ish thoughts. But unfortunately you can't frame me on that this time . This is a shameless confession on my presumably self-destructive behavior. Or better put as an idea.

I'm complaining. I took me a long while to figure the name for the ongoing process for I was constantly tapping on the imaginary denial button in my head which was pretty fun to play with, honestly speaking. I could conclude from the end findings which followed the revelation, I wasn't actually doomed. To my relief, I wasn't.

What's wrong with complaining ? Have you had like one day in your life that you accept every single thing which happened? It could be the simplest ones like the morning alarm to phone notifications, we all have something that ticks us off . We wear our complaints the same way we wear our shades. Whenever necessary! It doesn't matter if it's RayBan or the one from an accessory shop behind your house, classiest or a useless complaint, we are certainly guilty of some. Or maybe not? Think again.

I guess complaints are fine. As long as you are not miserable everyday, it is of course alright to whine and lament. Our head do need quick intense surge of emotions like annoyance and anger combined in speedball motion now and then to just set us apart from robots and other gadgets the technology has given birth to. The only thing that makes us who we are, the Humans. 

I have complaints. Sometimes I can't even stop listing because they never end. It's so long I could make or break a record if there's any. But duhh, like I care? My complaints are comfortably occupying my head space not as a tenant but merely the furniture. Fully controlled by me. I move them, destroy them and manipulate them how-so-ever I wish. 

And I  believe a man without complaints is a man without thoughts. Come on, who wants to be that? 

Renuka G

Read More

The blank war

It was frequent stares at blank spaces ! Like blank, blank , blank and more blanks . What are these things telling me? 

There's a vacuum in my head. I'm having a love-hate relationship with this state. I wanna be blank at the same time I need to free myself from this. 

Have you heard of a man in a meditation cave trying to persuade God to reside within him? The pure abuse of the purpose of meditation itself, the silence. It's the same case at a different setting. Chasing for peace at the same time starting a war. 

I want this blank space. I want to just go silent and let things be whatever they are. Let the universe spin the way it should, like how the wise people prescribed! But that would be unambitious, mediocre and too easy. Probably 'easy' won't fit the note, the rest sure does.

The joy of thinking so less crossed by the anger of stillness. Imagine reading a book and stopping halfway to figure the writer's head and your comprehension and not meeting in between. Exactly the dilemma. 

Had I not wanted this? To let things just be! Now that I'm there, what is this conflict? I'm too driven , I have grown too ambitious and more selfish than I've ever been. My pursuits won't bow to this vacuum. 

The typical quest of need versus wants it boils down to. I need the blanks to stay sane but I'm constantly rebelling the state in the fear of being just someone among everybody else . I'm at peace yet I choose to set it free in order to welcome the chaos. 

I'm in trouble. The new definition of trouble designed for this case, the state when one's wants subvert his/her needs. I'm in so much trouble. I can't see regrets  , only confusions. What would I do when these spaces are all filled?

Will my wants ruin altogether the stability at my grip? Will I end up as one of those people who lost themselves in pursuit of dreams? Or am I setting out only to come back to where I started ? 

Renuka G

Read More

Self-help? Seriously ?

Today I met myself between the alleys of self enrichment racks in the book store. It was a sudden sense of an indescribable feeling. I used to curiously read through the pages looking for a little attachment to the story told. Today it was mere awkwardness. It was as if I was standing amongst a group of aliens with too much annoyance . 

Hardwiring happiness?

This book will make you mindful?

A cup of comfort?

101 days to success? 

I rolled my eyes reading each and every title. Like, seriously ? Nothing made sense , at least not this time. I wonder why people buy these books? Why they were once so significant? 

Now I had only one thought in my mind. To grab all of them , rip off the pages of nonsense, throw the pieces in the air and walk off in that shower with a background score! I did not say my life is better or that it has gotten any worse. I lost attachment to these books. They don't feel relevant to me anymore. 

None has never changed me. My life took turns over experiences not some prescribed ideas of someone with a completely different life. Perhaps I have read some interesting quotes that were motivating but change is definetely from within and the moving factor would without a doubt be things that happened to me.

Standing there today just reminded me of one thing, how smartly words are aligned to lure people into the idea of success and a better self . As catchy as most titles may sound, the books are actually empty. You are reading empty pages with raging emotions and an intense desire for a new day and a new destiny . They are indeed empty .

You are not looking for help or enrichment . The only gleam of hope you are reaching for at this section is only a little sense of belonging and attachment. The curiosity of knowing somebody has been through the same and came pass it. The curiosity of finding out who got it worse. And finally the curiosity of a possible , proven-to-work solution, which is apparently non existent in most cases. Too bad.

Change starts with you. A trip to the book store will just be a rip in your pocket and a few useless flips of the pages .

Does this sound like 'A cup of comfort'?

Renuka G

Read More

I

The ultimate goal at the moment is to be better than yesterday. We all run after success, or at least  most of us do. There are some who run obediently in their own lane at their own pace. Another bunch pushes those next to them and turn their head to watch who's coming after .It's just how the universe works. Some compete with their own self while the rest battles the  whole world.

My measure of success is parallel to progress. This has always allowed me to be more open to views of others, appreciate their individual abilities and cheer upon their success. Having a perspective as such has also opened doors for a more meaningful progress.


So what's next?

Something for sure!

Renuka G

Read More

Are you game?

The feeling. That damned feeling is back.

People often perceive success as the result of consistent acceptance and fixture of failures. It's like using the negatives to open path to the positives adhering much to the core-most rule of life , ups and downs. As much as you wish you could run, it's the simple motion of a ball bouncing back from a surface. You move back and forth between sweetness and the bitter-side of events, you hit and bounce back.

Although there's a slim chance that you possess a complete anatomy and mechanics similar to ball, more often that is not the case. Sometimes a hit is all you need to fall face-down . At times a hit is more than enough to cripple you so long that it twists the plot altogether.

This is not some friendly prescription of motivational dose nor a faint-sprinkle of fairy dust to the world.

Welcome to rock bottom!

Exactly where life serves you a platter of cold, raw meat at a dinner table with depression and helplessness as sidelines. You wish you could look for inspiration and search restlessly the self-esteem that you know had hidden itself somewhere but to no avail. Again, welcome to rock bottom!

Here, you will chase after a shooting star while simultaneously being frisked by the most daunted of all fears in the real world, the fear of failure. You will run like a mad dog after a bone only to discover the price of the wish is not the chase.

Time will neither be your enemy nor your friend. Time is a distant variable which mocks you and your efforts while still being in motion. You wait, you wait for the clues that it may drop. In your mind you build thoughts that time will soon favour you, it will soon divert its path towards you. You wish and you keep wishing as it continuously proves you wrong.

The final bashing you have at rock bottom, the withdrawal of hope. We are born equipped with a belief system. A system that could collapse like any other. Your good thoughts will soon turn grey and eventually die. And a negative belief system is a dead-system afterall. Wishes will be replaced by anger which will accumulate into merciless acts of self-destruction. Nothing matters. Anything  becomes everything and everything becomes anything. Now, you are officially game.

Only once in a while, an occasional reflection on the mirror will bombard you with questions of your long-gone identity. It would be fun. Everyone loves a little mystery. The moments of struggle to discover the exact turning point which destroyed you to unrecognizable and non-fixable state would challenge your own curiosity.

This is where you return to square one.

The question though is, will it lead you back to a moment of sheer-bitterness or destructive-sweetness?

Renuka G

Read More

Overly-Attached Demands

This is the phase of my life called 'To survive is to learn'. I have grasped a tremendous amount of things for the past few weeks. It was an opportunity to walk out from my comfort zone to let things that I've never experienced before touch me. At first just like any other typical control-freak, I resisted. I was full of anger, felt like a scapegoat of the inescapable event, perturbed to an extent where each bit of my patience only morphed into tears and over-attachment to my bed. It was difficult.

The occurrence which started with a silent-cry soon turned into a loud meltdown, somehow gathering helping hands that came for rescue. I guess this is just how things work, it has to get worse before getting better. And the latter finally took place. I realized it was not all that tough afterall. I was not alone. The problem was me. It was me who stubbornly refuse to come out from my comfort zone. It was me who told myself, this should not have happened when I was expected to simply adapt and learn. 

I have always had the thirst to learn, but why did I over-react on this one?  

FEAR. The fear of failure. As much as I'm curious about learning, I'm also scared of  failing. Over the years I have developed within myself an imaginary wall which allows no excuse for failure. However, what I missed was, to learn you have to move away from your comfort zone. To learn one has to make mistakes. To learn one has to be prepared to fail. Instead of embracing the mysterious blessing, I treated the situation like a battalion of enemies launching attack after another onto me. That was then.

I feel alright now. Things seem to be under control while I steal the chances to learn and be better. Here I realized one important fact, the bitter pill to swallow is what will make you recover. Recover from your ego, high-demands and unrealistic expectations on how things should be/go.

Let loose!

Renuka G

Read More