Freedom is a choice

It was just a few days before my 24th birthday that I decided to opt out from Facebook and now it has been a month away from the ever so-coveted social networking site. Well given the past, this isn't at all a new scenario since I have deactivated my Facebook for countless times in the past few years, for numerous reasons which somehow in some ways navigated me back where I wanted to elude. I was undecided. Safe to say, most people are indeed undecided. While there are kids trying to snoop into it disregarding their parents' opinions, there are Gen-Ys getting sick and bored of the brag-worthy filtered-life filling the void between conversations and work.

The intention to leave is there however, it is also followed by the dread of FOMO ( Feeling Of Missing Out). As much as some of us want the world to talk about the most general of things, people actually, are just impossibly generous with their knowledge of people which is unfortunate. Sitting at lunch discussing over a friend's new life event which you apparently missed, isn't cool. Or to be precise, will not be accepted as cool. While your degree of coolness decreases and ego gets bruised, you will then be reminded of what an alien you are among that group of friends. Not to burst your bubble but waving goodbye to your sense of belonging is hard because that without a doubt is a basic human need, blame Maslow. The next thing you know you are scrolling hungrily to feed yourself everything you've missed or in another simple, blunt note is called 'stalking'.

If you are all set  to survive the awkwardness, there comes another complication. Something is extremely wrong with society these days but it's hard to blame it on them. I guess you'd admit if I were to claim Facebook to be the most convenient platform for file sharing if you are not in an organization which wants things to be done the right way instead of the easy way, or perhaps simply has restricted you access to the site during office hours. Isn't it just so easy to drag a couple of files while you still keep up with the ever-updating feeds? Yes, Google drive was invented for a reason so does iCloud, Evernote etc but who cares right? Considering the "innovation", people assume Facebook to be the next big thing they should never abandon.

Let's just say you are prepared to stand by the pain of organizing a storage drive, you just feel the emptiness of life in between tv commercials, awkward moments while waiting for your food and a weird sense of guilt over the reason behind the smartphone in your grip. Then you bounce back ! I had those reasons messing my stand and many more I can't elaborate yet I've survived. Perhaps it would sound really wrong to say I kind of don't miss it anymore. Everything mentioned above are temptations which are indeed possible to overcome. I fought those excuses to alternatives which eventually formed new habits. I'm happy up to this point.

Facebook isn't bad as long as it isn't an addiction. The problem though is, are you sure you're not a slave yet? On a different note, do you even care? Stick to what matters to you. I just done, at least amidst this ever-increasing pile of work .

Renuka G

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Into the Wild

People read for various reasons. I read to be inspired. Perhaps that's why I don't simply walk into the bookstore and pick a read. Books that I've read and had a hard time to let go are the ones which crossed me by accident. Though cheesy and love story-ish it might sound, it is indeed undeniable that I'm fussy when it comes to books. Most of my collections are either a movie or true story. I believe in learning and these stories are truly inspiring to the extent of addiction and of course self-realization.

My recent read is Into the wild by Jon Krakauer. I hadn't read any books after Gone Girl till I came across this one. It's the story of a young boy named Johnson McCandless who abandoned his good life and dearest possessions to travel 'into the wild'. He died tragically but that's not the case. The life he lived was without a doubt remarkable with top notch values for his age.

There's something about his perspective of life which sets him apart for any random person 'living'. He was blessed with everything a normal teenager would desire yet, why he left? What was his quest? And at the end of the story will you see him like just another reckless idiot who abandoned his good life or as something else? These questions would make you turn the pages . It's for the thinkers who evaluate moral codes in a non judgmental manner. It's for people who understand 'things' and the value of each of those in life at whole.

Going footloose is of course intriguing and exciting, given the recent trend, it is also rather glamorous. The association of travel with escape is a cliche-connection people use to sculpt their stories of independent-self with much pride. Johnson was rather humble. He knew the world has flawed codes and he was sick of the society which he phrased as a 'crazy-breed'.  He was complaining, profusely complaining. Unlike the crowd, he set out to live the life which he believed in. His journey was not a glamorous road. His passion for new horizons were not mere words. His adventures were novel. Most importantly, his experiences were something one can never imagine to risk. He wanted to be lost to feel alive. Death was predictable yet nothing mattered more than his bond with the roads he took.

It's not like a story you want to live. Just one capable of making you reason choices in life and the beauty of the real universe without the 'things' people feel obsessed over which in return possess them in a way or another. This book is of class! A walk away from civilization so close to fiction with every page of adept descriptions teaching something this world has  now been missing.

Johnson McCandless lived, his story tells the rest.

Renuka G

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Death and Cynicism

Is it tragic or funny?

To live our entire lives pursuing happiness and finally to finish with death. Like climbing over the rainbow only to land on a pointy sword, how tragic? Or it's just our poor sense of humour denying the huge yet simple joke?

I watched a movie the other day which caught me thinking about the euphemisms. Things are actually pretty rough and sad and pathetic but we try so hard to smile with guns in our head. Some do succeed. How impressive is it? And with that, again I wonder, have these happy crowds in the universe come to terms with death? Are you happy because you genuinely are or is it a pursuit to conceal the tragic end?  Even worse, could it be just a handshake over an agreement to sacrifice and gain mutually in the space between everything and death? If running is all about crossing the finish line, does how you run matter at all?

The one inseparable subject with death would be his kin, FEAR. So which fear is worse? The fear of not living or the fear of death? And to what extent who you go to conquer them? You can't cheat death but can you make it any better? To all the optimists of the world, why are you so happy? Or maybe, just maybe they actually got the joke.

That silly joke of how a man goes so high to fall deep down. It's the simple law of gravity understood by all .God bless Newton and all science references ! The question here is, which law then is applicable for our life-scene?

 It's a mere joke. The most cynical joke of all. You can sit with a box of tissue and sulk all you want. Screw that! Perhaps it would be better if you imagine a  silly man on a trampoline going gaga, landing on the ground planting his whole shape onto the grass and tell yourself the genre of life is comedy.

As simple as that, everything is actually funny.

You don't have to laugh from your heart, sometimes it's satisfying to laugh with your head. Your mind is a powerful tool hence, learn to narrate, learn some humour. Death is tragic, perhaps the most tragic of all nouns. Remember, Shakespeare wrote tragedies with such cynical plot and the most twisted characters because he knew the secret. The cure to a tragic end is nothing. The journey to a tragic end though, begs humour for, without that all lame things becomes extra pretentious. Forcing yourself to enjoy simple pleasure, trying so hard to be happy, clenching your teeth on every fall? Oh, come on! Life is a joke. Don't make a fool out of yourself. Direct your play, enjoy the scenes. You don't have to be a clown, you just have to know to manipulate your characters.

Fear not the end, fear a stale plot.

Renuka G

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Go ahead, fuss!

I'm not complaining. Believe it if you are dumb ! I apparently, most certainly, without a single percent of doubt ,am complaining. How else would you sanely and rationally put it?

I could possibly be in denial. The condition in which a person justifies everything favoring to one's own fairytale-ish thoughts. But unfortunately you can't frame me on that this time . This is a shameless confession on my presumably self-destructive behavior. Or better put as an idea.

I'm complaining. I took me a long while to figure the name for the ongoing process for I was constantly tapping on the imaginary denial button in my head which was pretty fun to play with, honestly speaking. I could conclude from the end findings which followed the revelation, I wasn't actually doomed. To my relief, I wasn't.

What's wrong with complaining ? Have you had like one day in your life that you accept every single thing which happened? It could be the simplest ones like the morning alarm to phone notifications, we all have something that ticks us off . We wear our complaints the same way we wear our shades. Whenever necessary! It doesn't matter if it's RayBan or the one from an accessory shop behind your house, classiest or a useless complaint, we are certainly guilty of some. Or maybe not? Think again.

I guess complaints are fine. As long as you are not miserable everyday, it is of course alright to whine and lament. Our head do need quick intense surge of emotions like annoyance and anger combined in speedball motion now and then to just set us apart from robots and other gadgets the technology has given birth to. The only thing that makes us who we are, the Humans. 

I have complaints. Sometimes I can't even stop listing because they never end. It's so long I could make or break a record if there's any. But duhh, like I care? My complaints are comfortably occupying my head space not as a tenant but merely the furniture. Fully controlled by me. I move them, destroy them and manipulate them how-so-ever I wish. 

And I  believe a man without complaints is a man without thoughts. Come on, who wants to be that? 

Renuka G

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I

The ultimate goal at the moment is to be better than yesterday. We all run after success, or at least  most of us do. There are some who run obediently in their own lane at their own pace. Another bunch pushes those next to them and turn their head to watch who's coming after .It's just how the universe works. Some compete with their own self while the rest battles the  whole world.

My measure of success is parallel to progress. This has always allowed me to be more open to views of others, appreciate their individual abilities and cheer upon their success. Having a perspective as such has also opened doors for a more meaningful progress.


So what's next?

Something for sure!

Renuka G

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Are you game?

The feeling. That damned feeling is back.

People often perceive success as the result of consistent acceptance and fixture of failures. It's like using the negatives to open path to the positives adhering much to the core-most rule of life , ups and downs. As much as you wish you could run, it's the simple motion of a ball bouncing back from a surface. You move back and forth between sweetness and the bitter-side of events, you hit and bounce back.

Although there's a slim chance that you possess a complete anatomy and mechanics similar to ball, more often that is not the case. Sometimes a hit is all you need to fall face-down . At times a hit is more than enough to cripple you so long that it twists the plot altogether.

This is not some friendly prescription of motivational dose nor a faint-sprinkle of fairy dust to the world.

Welcome to rock bottom!

Exactly where life serves you a platter of cold, raw meat at a dinner table with depression and helplessness as sidelines. You wish you could look for inspiration and search restlessly the self-esteem that you know had hidden itself somewhere but to no avail. Again, welcome to rock bottom!

Here, you will chase after a shooting star while simultaneously being frisked by the most daunted of all fears in the real world, the fear of failure. You will run like a mad dog after a bone only to discover the price of the wish is not the chase.

Time will neither be your enemy nor your friend. Time is a distant variable which mocks you and your efforts while still being in motion. You wait, you wait for the clues that it may drop. In your mind you build thoughts that time will soon favour you, it will soon divert its path towards you. You wish and you keep wishing as it continuously proves you wrong.

The final bashing you have at rock bottom, the withdrawal of hope. We are born equipped with a belief system. A system that could collapse like any other. Your good thoughts will soon turn grey and eventually die. And a negative belief system is a dead-system afterall. Wishes will be replaced by anger which will accumulate into merciless acts of self-destruction. Nothing matters. Anything  becomes everything and everything becomes anything. Now, you are officially game.

Only once in a while, an occasional reflection on the mirror will bombard you with questions of your long-gone identity. It would be fun. Everyone loves a little mystery. The moments of struggle to discover the exact turning point which destroyed you to unrecognizable and non-fixable state would challenge your own curiosity.

This is where you return to square one.

The question though is, will it lead you back to a moment of sheer-bitterness or destructive-sweetness?

Renuka G

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Overly-Attached Demands

This is the phase of my life called 'To survive is to learn'. I have grasped a tremendous amount of things for the past few weeks. It was an opportunity to walk out from my comfort zone to let things that I've never experienced before touch me. At first just like any other typical control-freak, I resisted. I was full of anger, felt like a scapegoat of the inescapable event, perturbed to an extent where each bit of my patience only morphed into tears and over-attachment to my bed. It was difficult.

The occurrence which started with a silent-cry soon turned into a loud meltdown, somehow gathering helping hands that came for rescue. I guess this is just how things work, it has to get worse before getting better. And the latter finally took place. I realized it was not all that tough afterall. I was not alone. The problem was me. It was me who stubbornly refuse to come out from my comfort zone. It was me who told myself, this should not have happened when I was expected to simply adapt and learn. 

I have always had the thirst to learn, but why did I over-react on this one?  

FEAR. The fear of failure. As much as I'm curious about learning, I'm also scared of  failing. Over the years I have developed within myself an imaginary wall which allows no excuse for failure. However, what I missed was, to learn you have to move away from your comfort zone. To learn one has to make mistakes. To learn one has to be prepared to fail. Instead of embracing the mysterious blessing, I treated the situation like a battalion of enemies launching attack after another onto me. That was then.

I feel alright now. Things seem to be under control while I steal the chances to learn and be better. Here I realized one important fact, the bitter pill to swallow is what will make you recover. Recover from your ego, high-demands and unrealistic expectations on how things should be/go.

Let loose!

Renuka G

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Prescriptions

It is apparently true what people say about passion, it's an addiction. You will always bounce back like a ball slammed on a surface. Hence this new post justified.

The past few weeks had been pretty overwhelming. I could say 'hard' but it won't explain the truth. Not to pinpoint everything  on work, many other things took place further piling on mental strain. It was a feeling close to drowning but far from panic. The cherry on top is, I reacted so less. I used to jump at every instance and let those tears roll as if it's the proper way to deal with a breakdown. You might think I'd say I'm stronger. Unfortunately, that's not the case. 

I just do not care about some things anymore. Whatever that took place in the past taught me to take life as it unfolds. There is no need to over think the unpredictable, stalk and investigate, or even to question the whys. Everything that you need to know will be brought to you someday, someway. I have so much to do and learn and that I won't compromise for anything. Some people are passing clouds, I would never invest so much trying to hold on to something that would't fit me in the long term. 

One thing I have to get off my chest though. There are certain individuals in the world who thinks life is what they live and everybody else is wrong. Foolish I say. Your life is how you choose to engineer it. If someone brainwashes you into believing a formula to a happy life is what that's in their hands, punch them right on their face! It has never worked that way. If you ever beg someone to show you the right path, then do punch yourself! It's more like finding the perfect pair of shoes. You have to try a few pairs, walk a few steps, pick the right color, think about the most practical choice and weigh your wallet. Simply put, in life you have to take a few decisions and evaluate all of them so you find your own equation that is applicable to your personal life. 

It is not tough but truth be told, we are only afraid of the possible negative outcome. We belittle our abilities to design our lives and settle for anything that we saw perfect from a spectator's angle. Remember, all that shines is not gold.  The same eyes that enables vision are famous for deceptions as well. In short, stop prescribing formulas and receiving formulas. The experiences we had have reasons. Use them to find yourself, and later pursue whatever the hell you want!

Renuka G

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A sip of knowledge

I believe one thing you have to do especially while you are still young and commitment-free is, to jump at every opportunity to learn. Three weeks at the new school has taught me so much. Be it in terms of professional development or self-empowerment , it has been a great place to explore new things. I did not deny the stress and the tiresome journey nor I wish to sugar-coat everything that is taking place. I am merely stating this profession is not what it looks like on the surface. There is so much more in being a teacher and I am taking baby-steps every single day.

It is obvious that the teachers at school are seasoned with experience and knowledge. Their class control is close to perfection while mine is a huge mess still when it comes to lower primary classes. I am excited to learn and to improve and to experiment. These are what makes days interesting. I did not sign up for a   9 to 5 job in front of a PC. I am a teacher. That is what I am and that is what I shall remain, at least for another few years.

Renuka G

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Plans and Pursuits

Who ever expected that I would get back my hometown?

But I am not changing any part of my plan. I wanted to start the hard way and progress through it , that is exactly what I will be doing. It's a long scary 50 minutes drive from home, small school with people of golden hearts, English and Arts, Year 1 and year 6 in my schedule, and many more challenges that I choose not to overly fuss about. Perhaps the years I have spent dreaming of my future turned me into this ambitious girl that I am now. Or it could merely be the whole ' new broom sweeps well' scenario. Let time reveal.

You can place any bets on me but I have already embarked my journey. As I have always desired, I finally signed up for gym and started with light weights. My dad apparently had a shock because it was super tiring  to come home at 5 and head to gym by 5.30 everyday but, this is what I want. I dread ending up like those people who neglect working out using their work as an excuse. Your body is your best friend and the only way to stay healthy is to keep fit. Plus I feel more positive and happy after this routine. Try it! Exercising does make a huge difference in your personality and EQ.

Next, tuition. Cliche ! I already got some offers for home tuition and I will not say no. So what if I am still at the warming up stage of my job ? I can teach. 2 hours a day can't hurt, at least I choose to believe so. Plus they say, you will never know how far you can go if you don't push yourself enough. I already have home-comfort (thank god!) , the rest should be challenging or I will drown and disappear. For once I am happy teaching.  It's like my passion for English yearning to make a  difference in the lives of these kids and more kids. It's stressful to get them to understand without using a word of their mother tongue, but once you succeed the feeling is out of the world. I can go another day for that passion and the thought of me changing at least a little part of their world.

So you think I'm forgoing my baking pursuits? Hell NO! I have enquired some certificate courses for baking and pastry during the weekends. Ambitious uh? Before I pursue my masters, I want to do something simply for sheer passion and the fun of it. Fingers crossed.

This is not me boasting about my grand plans, do not misunderstand. This is about me reminding myself how badly I want to progress. I want to be better. If I ever stop that means I am the best version of me already. You know, 'best' is a myth. The world is full of knowledge, I wish to conquer as much as I can.

Wish me luck!

Renuka G

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Street-Peeper

One thing that I enjoy occasionally is watching people. I believe a way to learn apart from books is through people, random strangers we come across. You may develop leadership skills by reading Stephen Covey's or make your life better with a copy of Spencer Johnson's, however, what you will truly value is the visual experience of watching a totally random man doing an act which you thought impossible or you felt ignorant about.  The theory behind is pretty simple. If one man can do it, so does another.

I was at the hospital the other day to get done my medical report and I saw so many things, so many people. It was such an interesting day after weeks  of staying home. Ok I did go out, but it was not as significant as this experience. Be it the man who was carrying a sweet wrapper till he found a rubbish bin or the lady at the registration counter who was greeting everyone with a smile, they all have something to teach. Who are these people? Only known as humans to me they managed to show the good deeds we can do every day. Do I need to know them? Or add them on social networks to understand their lives? I don't think so.

Good things done do not need a justification. We just need to question ourselves if we are capable of following those acts. The answer is yes. Prickly though, we are curious of the wrong things. We try to severe what we see with reasons. Convincing ourselves, the lady was smiling because that's her job and the man was responsible because  he was being watched. At the end, we learn nothing. So whose loss is that?

To be better, watch strangers. Pick up good manners and simple act of kindness. Stop passing biased judgements only to prove yourself right. The world is full of lessons for those who cherish every encounter and experience. They will never stop learning and they know there's always more knowledge to chase after.

Stop being a lazy dreamer, open your eyes to the people around you instead.

Renuka G

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Dancing with weights

Yesterday of all the days got me swinging to the peak of happiness. It was those times you feel so much joy and the reason seems to be plenty to name. Perhaps because I have always been away in the past that this long long stay home has gotten pretty overwhelming.

I love enjoying the moments in my life. Be it the rough ones or the sweetest happenings, I always take some time to muse over things and embrace whatever that's happening. It was indeed the happiest thing to be home and taste homemade ponggal after 5 years, at the same time realising that I might not have this luxury in the coming years. Ok it may have sounded like a military man returning to his camp but a teacher too possibly has the same reality. Some of the teachers serving in the interiors of Sabah and Sarawak have their family back in the peninsular. It's not easy to travel back and forth setting aside the expenses for one journey home. Yet they are making it happen! Every single day in the jungles where even a phone call is a matter of luck and blessings.

But I'm happy even if that shall be my destiny. And by god's will I will be happy. I leave that to time. Who knows, I might get posted somewhere near, right?  Back to my story. I love watching the way people show their love and care. Home is the best place you are privileged to see both. I'm enjoying every single moment of it. Sometimes you just don't need to demand, fuss or try at all. You are sent the best people to be with. They stick with you no matter what. I have my dad, my family and the people I have met in the past two years. They are gems! And yes I will always specifically mention my dad because he deserves every single  praise and he will always be the man who  only gave the best to me. 

I was happy like really happy, so happy that I could even cry. It's amazing to be feeling all this. On top of all, it's amazing to just be me. I even skipped cardio and held the dumbbells dancing in the room yesterday  which probably torched more calories  or at least I assume so. 

Gratitude is of dire importance! A day like this absolutely earns itself a post. It's not like a bad day doesn't deserve one. From my perspective, I strongly believe things that I put up on the net should be motivational and positive. I had come a long way to realise how important it is to only see things that makes me happy. Hence I want to grant my readers or random strangers who stop by the same privilege through my blog which is, to read good thoughts. None of you random people knows me but if my words could shine your day with positivity and hope, the blessing will somehow come back to me. I always have faith in that.

Another day of happiness shall follow.

Renuka G

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Gatsby, the Great

I have a penchant for good literature. It is one of the main reason I took an extra subject, Literature In English for SPM. I did some awesome plays and novels but I couldn't fully enjoy it then because of the exam pressure. Now though I am all into reading between the lines, again. The difference between contemporary novels and classics is that they have symbols and hidden meanings left for the readers to interpret according to their understanding. All answers are correct hence it's second level of fun reading about what others have to say. You will end up amazed with how a few lines could signify so many different things. I love that about literature.

Recently I watched this movie The Great Gatsby which is the movie adaptation of a F. Scott Fitzgerald's writing of the same name. The movie had so many symbols and great quotes. Everything had a meaning underneath; the green light which signifies Gatsby's dream which is visible yet so far from reach, the eyes of the doctor that is shown everything an immoral act took place denoting the presence of god. Even better is the narration of  Nick done with so much depth about the society and Gatsby's story. One memorable quote that caught my literature-brain was :

"I was within and without, simultaneously enchanted and repelled by the inexhaustible variety of life." Nick Carraway

It explains how we all are in life. Both a participant (within) and an observer (without) at the same time. But the irony being we are often at joy with things that we commit yet loathe watching the scenes happening in front of us. Yes it is biased, also was Nick. It's the same world, a world full of flaws and opportunities in which we strive to understand adversity by either watching or participating. Nick enjoyed the situation in Tom's apartment  and living the city life however, as a casual watcher he couldn't understand whatever that was happening. The same goes to his views on Gatsby's love.  He was amazed seeing his love for Daisy and the way he looks at her but Nick only fathoms the foolishness when he was all alone at the funeral, in Gatsby's mansion. We are all a Nick in our lives,somehow in some ways.

It was a tragic ending when Jay Gatsby died. It was not his illegal businesses that killed him, but his naive love. Gatsby was a great lover who came a long a way only to realize that his future was already behind him. While Daisy depicts a typical woman whose actions only reflects inconsistency and confusion, "a beautiful little fool". Overall a great literature!

Renuka G

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Thinking in/of Progress

How do you know who's the right one for you? And just like that how do you know which is the right place to kick start your career?

I had battled the mind-numbing thoughts before, for a few times actually. By battled I mean, I did decide on the best but now that they handed me a second chance to make changes I am left confused. For a long time I have gripped strongly to the belief of heading wherever life takes me. In fact, I made the shelved choices based of the mentioned belief. Never in my life I thought I would leave INTI, and embarassingly  I didn't even know where Terengganu is in the map of Malaysia till I get the offer letter. However, that is exactly where life took me and 5 years went by just like that and here I am a degree holder baffled by thoughts of the future.

The conflict is between money and progress. Which one would you choose?

Would you rather go somewhere far, forgoing most comfort and progress settling for the pot of gold or be happy somewhere you could get the comfort, advance academically at ease but for a much lower pay? I am still weighing both choices, the pros and cons. Perhaps I won't find the answer , or there is no answer after all. Sometimes we just have to close our eyes, stop questioning so much, take a leap of faith and make the best of what life hands us. Once again as I mentioned earlier, wherever life takes me!

As I am writing this it is getting clearer, I do not need to over think this. Selangor or Sabah, I will somehow make it work. Those with dreams and ambitions do not fancy excuses people say. I will get my masters, pursue my baking dreams and be the best version of me without calculating the time I have to sacrifice and invest.

It's gonna be alright!

Renuka G

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Chicken and calories

Lately I have been feeling like a sick chicken even though I'm nowhere close to a hike in temperature or a reduced appetite. Low haemoglobin count could be the culprit but I have decided to not bring that to the stand. A felon on lease always since, I'm too scared of visiting the doctor's office. Blame the medicinal smell! (Dear kids in any government schools please disregard  the previous just to save my rapport at all future encounters that may exist)

I specifically chose to describe myself as a sick chicken because I feel tired for no reason and chicken seems to be an animal that is both adorable and feeds me well in many ways. I love chickens, therefore it is an honour I gave myself via comparison.  

Being home and attempting to cook various dishes would make  me prone to weight gain on daily basis. Hence, this time once again I'm abiding by my fabfitfun (that's the name of a celebrity blog I stole) principle which makes exercising a daily routine. Prickly since it has been close to two months that I was busy pampering my body, it seems to rebel against the calorie burning efforts leaving me like a sick chicken right after a 15 secs-plank. Today I was even about to fall asleep on the mat! Geez!

Why am I complaining? 

Just so it sticks better to my brain as I  rewrote the  scenario. 

Quality workout is crucial because my meals seem to be the richest of quality and, generous of calories. I can't afford to lay on the floor or lay eggs on the yoga mat. If I don't sweat it out enough then I can live on smoothies for the rest of the month! 

Brain, you heard that? Happy? Or you still want that cheesy sphagetti?

Game face on!

Renuka G 

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Le Memoire Night 2014

classic!

Just a few more pit-stops before I bid farewell to Terengganu. Whatever the future holds, I hope I will always have the most precious bunch of friends that I have found here by my side.

I can't exactly say if it was a rough road or a pleasant journey, but it was made better by all the people I met along the way. 

Without the experiences and lessons, I wouldn't have been who I am today. Thank you for the best moments and cheers to more!

With love,

Renuka G

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That extent

Oh lord, I can't believe this feeling. It all started with a dream. Not the one you sow within yourself and reap after years of hard work, it is the one you get when reality shuts off with your eyes. I had a dream, a dream like I was being chased. Way too much running, way too many people, in various places and I could not recall the reason. 

In the morning when I am all conscious, curiosity kicked in. Honestly speaking, I am not one of those superstitious bunch who hunts down the meaning behind dreams and the symbols in it. So it might come as a huge surprise if I were to say, the impossible actually took place. Oh boy, I goggled it!

Sorry cats, curiosity fortunately did not kill me, literally, but it sure did in a much harmless manner. Just in case you all did not already know, let me explain what running in a dream means. 

"To dream that you are running away from someone indicates an issue that you are trying to avoid. You are not taking or accepting responsibility for your actions."

So that was it. Two sentences pricking on me like a thorn since morning and even worse, I know exactly what the issues were. On a different note, it is pretty funny how some things can even find a way into your mind consequently, morphing into a dream. As my practical inner voice whispers, it might be purely coincidental. However, realizing resolving is better than keep running, I am going to take it as a sign. 

I have spent years running away from some feelings, fears and events. At times the fact that I love to escape some instances, it plagues me. Most people actually do not like to confront problems , instead they prefer to run some distance before doing so or flee right away the moment it starts. I am one of them. Ignorance is bliss, I faithfully believe that. The harsh truth though is, I am a coward. Those who flee mostly, in fact are .

Some nights I sit here wondering for how long I'm going to isolate some thoughts and problems just to stay in peace. Now I discovered peace is only for those who face their fears and address their problems, not for those who build walls and engage filters. 

Running is cool. It's like telling the world you do not care about whatever in the present or past . But what's the point of painting the cool portrait when reality mirrors a face with thousand worries? Something to ponder indeed. 

Renuka G

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Painting Rainbows

Life is getting exciting by day. Or maybe it has always been that way waiting for me to notice someday. Whatever it is, I am feeling it now, especially lately. 2014 being the final year of my degree programme the excitement seems to be of all sort. By excitement I do not signify all sweet and lovely things but everything that makes time a sprinter. It is as if you are chasing after the moon. It appears like it is moving with you and you keep running like an idiot,  nonstop. Oh yes I am an idiot! Life has been pretty thrilling leaving no space to stop thinking and I am kind of loving this experience.

It feels like just yesterday, sounds like a cliche uh? Nine months flew by so quickly that I could not recall how. Now that I open my eyes, I have an interview to give my best shot, final amendments to my action research report, exams and goodbye Terengganu. Wow! Even more amazing, how did five years went by?

While I am turning the pages of my life, I can see I am moving a step closer to a very new chapter. The chapter of being a teacher. The chapter full of responsibilities which will add more maturity as I flip through the pages. I am not sure if the end of the current swift exciting chapter would lead to joy or stress, but fingers-crossed.

Till this current moment , I have actively participated  in every decisions, twists and turns of my story. I loved watching myself grow. Recalling who I had been 5 years ago and who I am now, guess I am overjoyed with my current self. The experiences most certainly made me stronger, wiser and everything that I am now. I don't know how the next chapter would begin or end, but I just want to grow.

My principle is simple, be satisfied, be grateful but never settle. It is a great big world to explore with so much to experience, so much to be curious about, so much to learn and I know I won't be the same as time waves by. I believe everything had happened and will happen for a reason, so I am all prepared to be a sponge that absorbs good things and a sieve that filters everything insignificant.

Renuka G

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23rd and moving on

Old habits die hard. The habits that we pick up at some point of time once fossilized within us won't leave us. Just like a tattoo, we take them everywhere we go, for as long as we live. I think I am not alone. We all have at least one habit that irks  us so much but has become a rock that won't budge from our daily lives. Be it a common nail-biting routine or an embarrassing stalking-the-past agenda, we all had at some moment got sick of it and became determined to quit though it never was the reality the next moment.

Since I have just turned 23 officially, I am here to talk about habits, habits that I want to wrap up and dispose before they could define me. As we grow, our curiosity grows with us. I guess. The sudden need for details and explanations and justifications drive us crazy. After-all we are all humans chasing behind the truth. To satisfy ourselves, we often develop some silly habits that mounts to nothing but more heartache and mental-torture. Yes I just wrote mental-'torture', you read it right!

Making a guess, we humans like to calculate our losses and gains in some ways just to balance the equation or even better feel good about the gains. If we find out that a person who rejected us having a tough time, we feel like a thousand dollar deposited into our account. Something like that. But the truth being, there is no explicit gain for any party in this situation. The next day we are all going to move on with our work and the silly habit of stalking become a small dessert during lunch. And that was just an example.

My point is simple, I think the ugliest habits most people especially girls suffer from is stalking. The root of the cause being their inability to let go. In my life, as years passed I did let go of some things and people. However, as new people walk out the door, the curiosity kicks in again. I do not wish to be curios of people and their behaviour anymore. In fact I am embarrassed of this habit. The other day someone wise advised me to not do or see things that will hurt myself. It was indeed eye-opening. I owe it all to that person.

I think it is about time I focus on my future. I have so much ahead of me. Having a degree won't do my ambition any justice. I am far behind I should say. Masters would be a long hectic journey, pursuing my passion for baking and make-up would be another. Then I want to travel around the world, then I want to this, I want to do that. I do not want some ugly habits to crack me and slow me down because everything somehow will bruise your self-esteem and that definitely makes a huge difference. Don't think it is fair to put my dreams at stake for some silly loss-gain balance.

Apart from all the seriousness, I had an awesome birthday. Thank you to my dad who has always been sweet, for that person who called and wished at 12, my sister and my sisters in IPG who made my day extra special. God I am gonna leave Terengganu with so much good memories and a handful of great friends!

Renuka G

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Beauty I say..

Beauty lies in the eye of the beholder, I could not agree more. Beauty is something very subjective and I will never find the perfect definition for the word but I would let you know my take on it. Some people believe inner beauty compliments the physical looks. Some claim beauty to be solely judged on either one, mostly agreeing that to be physical looks. I think we have passed those times where we measure beauty by the fullness of the lips and sharpness of the nose and how defined the curls and curves are. Physical looks just soothes the eyes, not your ears or your mind.

Not to offend the drop-dead-beautiful-looking girls out there, you girls are perfect in a way. In my reality though, I  feel what one's looks like is a bonus to one's personality. Simply put, inner beauty before the outer. I have been called ugly, fat and more absurd things in my life, I do not care if it is true. My point is, of all the people I have met the wonderful bunch are not beauty queens or girls who could get ten winks only by  swaying their hair.

As much as I want to condemn some men for selecting partner by their looks, I think the choice is personal. If you prefer to live with a high-heeled mannequin, that is your decision. But my heart goes out to man who sees a girl inside-out. To live with a good face and good mind and good heart are three completely different things. If you ask me, a good mind and heart would walk you a lifetime while the skin sags and the hair greys as time eats you up.

I have heard some ridiculous remarks like physical beauty would give one beautiful kids, cannot be changed, get everybody's attention etc etc. Like, give me second! It is a simple comparison to an orange. As much as it looks good to eat a sliced-orange with the skin-on compared to a peeled one, somehow the skin is not going into your system. Once again, it soothes your eyes but somehow at some point it serves no purpose.

Well, point blank I do understand nobody wants to spend their entire lives looking at something so dull and less pretty. Trust me, we all want a little glow. However, inner beauty without a doubt is the priority! Others are bonus. Just like a good book with a well-illustrated cover, the person you are should overpower youself more than your gorgeous hair and hour-glass curves (which is the ultimate stereotype surely), and that is the real deal!

With that said, I would like to give a big hug and wish a rain of glitters for the girls and ladies and women who are balancing the equation right and for the wise men who own them! Kindly accept this sugar-sprinkled doughnut :D

Nothing beats a smile uh though it looks so retard-like?!

Renuka G

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