Death and Cynicism

Is it tragic or funny?

To live our entire lives pursuing happiness and finally to finish with death. Like climbing over the rainbow only to land on a pointy sword, how tragic? Or it's just our poor sense of humour denying the huge yet simple joke?

I watched a movie the other day which caught me thinking about the euphemisms. Things are actually pretty rough and sad and pathetic but we try so hard to smile with guns in our head. Some do succeed. How impressive is it? And with that, again I wonder, have these happy crowds in the universe come to terms with death? Are you happy because you genuinely are or is it a pursuit to conceal the tragic end?  Even worse, could it be just a handshake over an agreement to sacrifice and gain mutually in the space between everything and death? If running is all about crossing the finish line, does how you run matter at all?

The one inseparable subject with death would be his kin, FEAR. So which fear is worse? The fear of not living or the fear of death? And to what extent who you go to conquer them? You can't cheat death but can you make it any better? To all the optimists of the world, why are you so happy? Or maybe, just maybe they actually got the joke.

That silly joke of how a man goes so high to fall deep down. It's the simple law of gravity understood by all .God bless Newton and all science references ! The question here is, which law then is applicable for our life-scene?

 It's a mere joke. The most cynical joke of all. You can sit with a box of tissue and sulk all you want. Screw that! Perhaps it would be better if you imagine a  silly man on a trampoline going gaga, landing on the ground planting his whole shape onto the grass and tell yourself the genre of life is comedy.

As simple as that, everything is actually funny.

You don't have to laugh from your heart, sometimes it's satisfying to laugh with your head. Your mind is a powerful tool hence, learn to narrate, learn some humour. Death is tragic, perhaps the most tragic of all nouns. Remember, Shakespeare wrote tragedies with such cynical plot and the most twisted characters because he knew the secret. The cure to a tragic end is nothing. The journey to a tragic end though, begs humour for, without that all lame things becomes extra pretentious. Forcing yourself to enjoy simple pleasure, trying so hard to be happy, clenching your teeth on every fall? Oh, come on! Life is a joke. Don't make a fool out of yourself. Direct your play, enjoy the scenes. You don't have to be a clown, you just have to know to manipulate your characters.

Fear not the end, fear a stale plot.

Renuka G

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Are you game?

The feeling. That damned feeling is back.

People often perceive success as the result of consistent acceptance and fixture of failures. It's like using the negatives to open path to the positives adhering much to the core-most rule of life , ups and downs. As much as you wish you could run, it's the simple motion of a ball bouncing back from a surface. You move back and forth between sweetness and the bitter-side of events, you hit and bounce back.

Although there's a slim chance that you possess a complete anatomy and mechanics similar to ball, more often that is not the case. Sometimes a hit is all you need to fall face-down . At times a hit is more than enough to cripple you so long that it twists the plot altogether.

This is not some friendly prescription of motivational dose nor a faint-sprinkle of fairy dust to the world.

Welcome to rock bottom!

Exactly where life serves you a platter of cold, raw meat at a dinner table with depression and helplessness as sidelines. You wish you could look for inspiration and search restlessly the self-esteem that you know had hidden itself somewhere but to no avail. Again, welcome to rock bottom!

Here, you will chase after a shooting star while simultaneously being frisked by the most daunted of all fears in the real world, the fear of failure. You will run like a mad dog after a bone only to discover the price of the wish is not the chase.

Time will neither be your enemy nor your friend. Time is a distant variable which mocks you and your efforts while still being in motion. You wait, you wait for the clues that it may drop. In your mind you build thoughts that time will soon favour you, it will soon divert its path towards you. You wish and you keep wishing as it continuously proves you wrong.

The final bashing you have at rock bottom, the withdrawal of hope. We are born equipped with a belief system. A system that could collapse like any other. Your good thoughts will soon turn grey and eventually die. And a negative belief system is a dead-system afterall. Wishes will be replaced by anger which will accumulate into merciless acts of self-destruction. Nothing matters. Anything  becomes everything and everything becomes anything. Now, you are officially game.

Only once in a while, an occasional reflection on the mirror will bombard you with questions of your long-gone identity. It would be fun. Everyone loves a little mystery. The moments of struggle to discover the exact turning point which destroyed you to unrecognizable and non-fixable state would challenge your own curiosity.

This is where you return to square one.

The question though is, will it lead you back to a moment of sheer-bitterness or destructive-sweetness?

Renuka G

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23rd and moving on

Old habits die hard. The habits that we pick up at some point of time once fossilized within us won't leave us. Just like a tattoo, we take them everywhere we go, for as long as we live. I think I am not alone. We all have at least one habit that irks  us so much but has become a rock that won't budge from our daily lives. Be it a common nail-biting routine or an embarrassing stalking-the-past agenda, we all had at some moment got sick of it and became determined to quit though it never was the reality the next moment.

Since I have just turned 23 officially, I am here to talk about habits, habits that I want to wrap up and dispose before they could define me. As we grow, our curiosity grows with us. I guess. The sudden need for details and explanations and justifications drive us crazy. After-all we are all humans chasing behind the truth. To satisfy ourselves, we often develop some silly habits that mounts to nothing but more heartache and mental-torture. Yes I just wrote mental-'torture', you read it right!

Making a guess, we humans like to calculate our losses and gains in some ways just to balance the equation or even better feel good about the gains. If we find out that a person who rejected us having a tough time, we feel like a thousand dollar deposited into our account. Something like that. But the truth being, there is no explicit gain for any party in this situation. The next day we are all going to move on with our work and the silly habit of stalking become a small dessert during lunch. And that was just an example.

My point is simple, I think the ugliest habits most people especially girls suffer from is stalking. The root of the cause being their inability to let go. In my life, as years passed I did let go of some things and people. However, as new people walk out the door, the curiosity kicks in again. I do not wish to be curios of people and their behaviour anymore. In fact I am embarrassed of this habit. The other day someone wise advised me to not do or see things that will hurt myself. It was indeed eye-opening. I owe it all to that person.

I think it is about time I focus on my future. I have so much ahead of me. Having a degree won't do my ambition any justice. I am far behind I should say. Masters would be a long hectic journey, pursuing my passion for baking and make-up would be another. Then I want to travel around the world, then I want to this, I want to do that. I do not want some ugly habits to crack me and slow me down because everything somehow will bruise your self-esteem and that definitely makes a huge difference. Don't think it is fair to put my dreams at stake for some silly loss-gain balance.

Apart from all the seriousness, I had an awesome birthday. Thank you to my dad who has always been sweet, for that person who called and wished at 12, my sister and my sisters in IPG who made my day extra special. God I am gonna leave Terengganu with so much good memories and a handful of great friends!

Renuka G

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Beauty I say..

Beauty lies in the eye of the beholder, I could not agree more. Beauty is something very subjective and I will never find the perfect definition for the word but I would let you know my take on it. Some people believe inner beauty compliments the physical looks. Some claim beauty to be solely judged on either one, mostly agreeing that to be physical looks. I think we have passed those times where we measure beauty by the fullness of the lips and sharpness of the nose and how defined the curls and curves are. Physical looks just soothes the eyes, not your ears or your mind.

Not to offend the drop-dead-beautiful-looking girls out there, you girls are perfect in a way. In my reality though, I  feel what one's looks like is a bonus to one's personality. Simply put, inner beauty before the outer. I have been called ugly, fat and more absurd things in my life, I do not care if it is true. My point is, of all the people I have met the wonderful bunch are not beauty queens or girls who could get ten winks only by  swaying their hair.

As much as I want to condemn some men for selecting partner by their looks, I think the choice is personal. If you prefer to live with a high-heeled mannequin, that is your decision. But my heart goes out to man who sees a girl inside-out. To live with a good face and good mind and good heart are three completely different things. If you ask me, a good mind and heart would walk you a lifetime while the skin sags and the hair greys as time eats you up.

I have heard some ridiculous remarks like physical beauty would give one beautiful kids, cannot be changed, get everybody's attention etc etc. Like, give me second! It is a simple comparison to an orange. As much as it looks good to eat a sliced-orange with the skin-on compared to a peeled one, somehow the skin is not going into your system. Once again, it soothes your eyes but somehow at some point it serves no purpose.

Well, point blank I do understand nobody wants to spend their entire lives looking at something so dull and less pretty. Trust me, we all want a little glow. However, inner beauty without a doubt is the priority! Others are bonus. Just like a good book with a well-illustrated cover, the person you are should overpower youself more than your gorgeous hair and hour-glass curves (which is the ultimate stereotype surely), and that is the real deal!

With that said, I would like to give a big hug and wish a rain of glitters for the girls and ladies and women who are balancing the equation right and for the wise men who own them! Kindly accept this sugar-sprinkled doughnut :D

Nothing beats a smile uh though it looks so retard-like?!

Renuka G

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Mother's Day

Words were never suffice to describe a mother . As much as that might sound like a cliché, don’t be in denial, it is most certainly one!Heee.

 It hit me just today that I have never written a post about mother’s day or my mother but have surprisingly shelved countless number of posts about my dad. She’s like the mysterious soul wishing me well behind the curtains.  Omit  the ‘like’, she is indeed and will always be. So today it would be about mothers.

Relationships are complicated, be it blood- ties or a stranger you just meet. They have ups and downs, tons and tons of misunderstandings, happy times and rocky times and some indescribable situations in which we wonder how complex humans could be. At the end of the day, it’s your call whether to burn the bridge or nurse the wounds. But some ties can never be broken, some bridges are impossible to burn. One would definitely be the relationship between you and your mother.

Shall I put it this way, people will throw stones at a full fruited tree, but the tree never surrendered to that. For it, it isn’t a big deal, the tree will still keep fruiting. It will give the best it could and let you bask its fruits anyway, even though it means  bearing another few stones hurting it. A mother is like a tree, a big tree which shades her children, attends to their needs even if it has to bear a little pain (or at times a lot of it), so magnificent that it withstands the unpredictable storms and rains for as long as it could.  Some of us on the other end are still the foolish crowd who are hurting the tree  consciously or unconsciously thinking it will always be there to shade and to feed us regardless of circumstances. Try to look closer, the tree is aging!

I think this is a reminder to my own self and others out there too. If we let the past disputes and anger rule us, we will only have an old chair, tears and lots of regrets somewhere in the future. Is our pride mightier than the hands which nurtured us? Think about it.

Tomorrow might not be pretty as those golden days. Scars do change a relationship forever, I agree. But let’s just set our egos aside and accept that we are all equally flawed though in different ways. If the many years in this world haven’t taught you the beauty of forgiving and forgetting, you could be alien! :p

Before I end, here goes my belated Mother ’s Day wish to all the mothers in the world including mine! May you be blessed with love, care and a beautiful life just like your pretty little heart!

Renuka G

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Sinned-Saint

I have heard of people going on a journey of self-discovery and coming back confused still. I'm different though. I know too much. I know too much about my own self that my inner soul dies to shoot me every time I expose that profound knowledge . Anyone on the same boat?  I can recognize my weakness and strengths, my positive side and the little devil within me, also my ego which measures bigger than my head. YES I just admitted that, stop rubbing your eyes.

I wish I hadn't known this much. It's like committing a crime consciously. It's like making a mistake fully realizing it is one. I can't put it any simpler, unless you are a kid!

The one bad thing about the mentioned is, your instincts telling you what's next. I can predict my actions and it gets creepy over the time. It's like a cliche. Every situation is a no-brainer for I know how I will react to it. It can be so accurate that sometimes I wish I could stop the obvious. More often than a not, I ignore it. You feel me?  Perhaps it is my plain belief of self-discovery being, knowing who you are and accepting fully the outcome. So obviously I'm not innocent. 

Knowing and accepting is a far concept from changing and preventing. I have known and accepted the negative and positive sides of myself, like a boss. However, as far as the other two are concerned, I'm helpless. Or maybe I choose not to help myself. Hey, I am no saint, and I don't fancy being one. The world is no place for the purest of hearts and cleanest of minds. If you think it is, perhaps you are delusional or in denial. You need help, so go to mommy! Plus, it's always better to stand in between two extremes. There's no need to be too good or too cruel. Hence, I feel some emotions are better shown and revealed without guilt. Even though I can't control the aftereffect.

You can call me wrong, you can say I'm ugly and speak everything you wish about my opinions but it doesn't matter. It feels ok for me. I don't wish to sugarcoat the reality of life. My words speak the truth I have learnt, which I assume is valid from my perspective. Too good could land you in a 'too bad'-situation. Agree?

Keeping everything aside, let's just admit this one thing, we all claim we know what is right and what is wrong, so how did the world became so polluted of broken hearts and hurtful words? 

Of course I can't blame the cat sleeping on my shoe shelf, isn't it? It's us! Humans! I don't know what had happened to the world, including myself that I feel mistakes are in the recent times done rather consciously than unconsciously. Perhaps our morals are descending with the drastically increasing amount of stress of the ever-busy world. We don't mind hurting because we have been hurt. We are trying so hard to make the unfair life fair and equalize everyone else's equations like it's at all possible. I know I'm failing, hope you will realize it too. But will we ever stop trying? That's a point to ponder!

(God, I wish I hadn't known this much. Shoot me please! )

Renuka G

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Unwrapped

First and foremost, I wanna send a warning to tears! If at all you are reading, please be selective of situations to flow out from my eyes. I'm sick of dealing with mascara mess and wet cheeks. Plus waterproof make-ups don't sell cheap ok? Considering all that, and also this being a closure post of 2013, I would like you to by all means stay away!

Now back to my hopefully-existing-readers.

I finally got my exam results of the 6th semester. Happy and satisfied! But that's just about exams . On a bigger picture, 2013 was a tough tough year in which I put up a tough tough front. Well I have become pretty good at masking emotions over the years. Practice makes perfect they say. Though there were hundreds of hurdles and heart wrenching moments, everything somehow fell into place at the end.  No problem is eternal. And having said that, I definitely have to thank the man above us for all his blessings.

Leaving pain and hurt aside, let's talk about the happy things of 2013. I found a handful of amazing people to call friends. People come and go, that's one bunch. But there are those who come with lots of care and love and stays with all their heart. The rare bunch. I'm glad a few crossed my path. I hope they will be a part of my life forever . Believe me, forever is a strong word. I won't use it if I don't mean it.

Apart from all mentioned, 2013 changed me into someone who's proud to be who I am. Some people are born to love themselves, some takes time to appreciate who they are while the rest are all wannabes of different kinds. I was once a member of the wannabe team, not anymore though. I think I'm special. Ok that might have sounded too much like a self-obssessed maniac, but hey,  everyone is special. Hence, me insisting my share is purely benign. I'm happy to wake up in the morning being myself and satisfied going to bed as Renuka and nobody else. Sometimes, being a typical human that I am, negative thoughts do mess with my head of who I could have been and why I'm not Mary or Jane. But such thoughts do not last and 'that' characters do not exist :D

In my perspective, I strongly feel the most important thing in life is keeping one's emotions intact. I'm progressing well in mastering it, thus, I was very much enduring and strong this year. Glad no extremely wrong decisions were made , convinced life comes with numerous lessons, and proud another river had been crossed.

All in all, 2013 basically wrapped up fine. Or shall I say wrapping up fine?

2014 will be a whole new chapter itself. Can't wait to be curiously turning the pages.

Renuka G

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The thin line

I love burning bridges in the heat of the moment, and that's an ugly truth of mine. Well there's enough space to criticize my morals based on what has been stated but I waive that chance to those nitpickers out there.

Whether it's a weakness of mine or my character, I'm usually inclined to react to situations especially dramas in a very hasty manner . Just as much as I love to end them, I love to end them fast. Hence,  all points justified. 

What happens when someone lights a fire beneath your feet? You jump and you run . In this case we shall put it as, we quarrel and we part, or yes, we burn the bridges . It's just too typical even to deny it. 

Guilty as charged.

The funny scenario though is, at some point I find this bizarre desire to build those bridges again. Like apologizing for something I'm not solely to be blamed for ? Oh yea exactly that! It is certainly not the same with all cases, yet some drains my sympathy . Deep inside I wish I was not a typical human . (The next line might make me sound like a person with split personality disorder , so embrace yourself . )

I hate to burn bridges.

Renuka G or the other :p

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That Pretty Dress

When a dress is new, we hunt down events to wear them. To flaunt it's freshness, to let the world see the beautiful design of it, with a smile rather as perfect as the dress itself. We make home out of a mirror, turning to the right, to the left,  moving like a ballerina on top of a music box. What an amazing sight. 

Time will pass. And the same dress you once donned at every significant event of your life, will soon wear off. The stitches might become loose. Faded. A little torn at the side. Now the perfect beautiful dress is left somewhere among the rest of the daily wear and tear section. Sometimes when you open and slide close the wardrobe it peeks out at you in desperation, hoping someday you will pick it once again. Positivity is such a pain but just like love, hopes can be blind to. 

Do you think something that is used all out will ever be someone's pick rather than a mere option? 

The answer is no. People do not cling to things that don't make them look good anymore. They are always in a mad-search for something fresh, something they do not have. But little do they know, that too will wear off. The world is designed in a way that what enters ,shall exit. Some things wear off, some disappear, some forgotten while the rest is thrown. Permanent might be the memories and impact, yet presence is never the case. 

You can try running as far as you can I bet, our fate though is similar to the dress mentioned. We come all fresh and new, we shine, we impress, and the mighty sword of time takes its course. One day we are all just memories. Naah this doesn't only apply to death, it applies to everything. Relationships, success, etc etc.

Life is tough, get a helmet.

Renuka G

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So serious

Ok holla back everyone. So why am I back? And that's what you have ask? NO. I have stopped answering rude questions, therefore, I shall proceed and make your eyes sore looking at the screen.

Well, this is the part of my life called, ' I don't know'. Yes that's the name of the part , not I don't know being the answer. Kapish? ( And that's the  new spanish word i've learnt which I will use fully for showing off purposes. Oh wait,it's Italian) Back on the part, I don't know. To further explain, this is where things get real blurry like you need a new spectacles or lenses because , obviously that's what you do when things get blur. No brainer! However, things here is not like the television screen or the notice boards, it's trouble to the next level. Blurriness dictates your tomorrows, future, dreams etc etc. You feel like it's blur because it's far, but trust me buddy, it's blur because it's blur.  Cliche.  I mean the cause being something else than the usual.

This is getting real confusing I guess. I feel twisted. Like literally physically twisted ( which may also be because I'm trying a yoga pose at the moment, but let's not digress).This I don't know phase, is all about worries. Worries that the expected might turn the other way round. Possibilities locked, and dilemmas shoot up. Your eyes are fine, only the reality is hazy. You get what I mean?

Point blank, I'm stuck. I'm stuck for I can't foresee the future. I'm stuck thinking it can be corrected by changing some things. Major stuck-ing screw up this is.

But I'm still happy. You know why?

Even though this is a complete nonsensical post, you stuck around till the end. *Tears of joy* Tell me who was stuck now??
Kapish?

Boo-Yah

Renuka G

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You, I know

You know that one quality capable of juxtaposing life next to heaven? It is the ability to endure. The ability of falling on your face yet standing up with both feet firm on the ground. The ability to not let things or emotions dictate you in a way that it cripples you. That quality, it is rare!  If you think you have got it, tears and sorrow must be your long-lost friends. Smiles and laughter must be the new life companions you flaunt. There has begun the awesomeness of yourself and your life. Nah-ah this is not a state you achieve by forsaking someone else’s happiness or taking into your hand decisions to be made only by God. You, the power of evil, I command thee leave by all means. You will never understand ‘good’. I’m only speaking on behalf of good people who could box’em problems and come out strong at the end. Those who know from  which angle to face problem and from which to kick them to grave. Crying and sulking are for high-school kids. When you have passed that stage it is all about a few drops of tears and moving forward towards a solution. This type of people I respect.  Cheers to you if you’re in!

Well, I’m close I bet and I’ll join the awesome-rockers-of-life, soon. Real soon J

Renuka G

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Inhale, Exhale

Hello everyone!

I don't know what it feels like to wake up in the morning feeling so perfect about life. Not a flawed perception I'm arguing against but the painful truth laid forth by the wheel of life. It isn't perfect, can't dream for it to be perfect either as that means I'm challenging the course of nature. We are all travelling on a bumpy bumpy road, trying to walk as if it is a smooth ground beneath our feet. What an illusion! Impostors we could be, or  perhaps we already are.
Let's just admit it.

We are who we are for some reasons. We do certain things for some as well. Yet not perfection that we are striving  for. Nobody is thinking this could change my life, it could make it better while making decisions. Just a little happiness, a sprinkle of belonging-ness, or a momentary cure, I can't tell for sure, beyond assuring the mentioned to be some reasons we act stupid, be reckless and forget some claimed-to-be-important things called the norm. Scary as the word sounds, norms are nothing but rules by another name. And what are rules for? All to be broken at the end of the day.

So what am I now? An advocate of social issues who stands by it? Naah not even close. Human actions are bound to be justified by oneself in self-defense. I could take the stand and prove myself  innocent and invalidate whatever accusations thrown upon me in the name of self-defense. The question though is, am I really innocent?

Maybe I'm not. Once again, back on the impostors we could be, can't I be one then? Let me carry a sack of guilt on both my shoulders, let it prick me every moment of coming times, be it then. I'm not a saint after all  It kept me happy once. It cured me once. It threw me a life-line when I was drowning deep. It wept my tears when all the world cared was to point fingers at me. And last but not least, it wasn't curious of my past. In my defense, I'm not at wrong.

Did I say I''m right?? Think again.

This journey has taken its toll upon me. I'm exhausted. I'm indeed exasperated. Explanations won't be suffice to let you walk around with my heart, in my shoes. So I gave up. Assurance. What are they? Hope? Expectation? It means nothing, deep inside we all know, words are nothing but mere words. Why bother?

Where I am right now, I can't please anyone, nor I demand anyone to please me. I have tried my best to save what we had. Now I'm just watching it slip away. Far far away. I might be a sinner for being who I have been, or maybe there's a better name, I don't know. Truth be told, no matter how hard I try to be the person I used to be once upon a time, I can't get there. Just in case you are wondering, YES I tried. Maybe it is true, never know someone too well, too much knowledge isn't good, so is too much care. I can't deny that I love you soo soo much, aahhh unlucky me, my actions can't reflect my love.

It sucks to sit here and muse over good times and those great memories. Maybe it's loneliness the only thing I'm entitled to.

Yet I end it with a smile :)

Renuka G

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Shining Armour

There are some people we will meet in life, once they are gone , they become irreplaceable. They brightens even the dark-most alleys with all they have, leaving you in a save place. And if you dare to look back to face the incomprehensible truth, believe that now they are traveling the same road and the same darkness, alone and helpless.

Since such love comes free, we only stand back and watch them go, to later regret on what we've missed. Love that comes with a price tag is not love at all even if millions chase after it, and a love which comes uninvited is not cheap after all. Flowers blossom at unlikely of places, plus all that shines is not a diamond.

Have you ever judged someone who loves you unconditionally only because it wasn't mutual? Have you ever thrown a true-love for high-priced bond? And have you ever stopped listening to your heart because it spoke the truth?

Think about it.

Some things, some people come into our lives as a gift. Sadly though, we chuck them aside even before knowing what's in the package.

Remember, sometimes IT IS too late to fix things.

Renuka G

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Flawed Judgments

Let me share a secret you all might have overlooked in the years you've lived.

Most wrongdoings that we commit ourselves to, at many crossroads which we opt to take the path just to go astray from the right thing, we already know. Some misdoings are mistakes I agree yet often they're crimes committed consciously.

People throw the blame upon age and rage usually, don't know how far this excuse could talk ourselves out from taking the stand. Truth be told, when we succumb to evil desires and get our hands dirty by playing foul, deep inside though we're not fully in peace with the act, we do execute it. Later comes the phase of wiping away the proofs, the sole phase in which one could even rationalize the cruel-most act of all time, the phase called Justification-Overflow. Like water for a felon to clean his bloody hands, it keeps pouring till our inner-soul believes a wrong can be right only if reasoned from a felon's view.

As much as you want to deny this, probably you're already nodding to what I've written, it will get you thinking, trust me. Soon you will justify as well for that's how the circles completes.

I'm not advocating my view to label each of us a criminal or human without conscience. Plus, why would I when I'm in agreement with selfishness being a way to survive in today's world. Nobody is perfect at the end of the day. No matter how intelligently you can argue against this, it's indeed a foolproof statement to win any case at any circumstances thus being one of the most frequently used excuse during the Justification-Overflow phase.

My point here is to forgive. People turning against their own will and then rationalizing is like a norm, it happens everywhere to nearly everyone. Sometimes when looking at the finish line, we miss little things like values and the noble act of accepting defeat and being crushed by the tide once in a while. The desire to win often drives one to commit wrongdoings even though deep inside it has pricked them at least for a moment. Forgive them. They're not strong. Sometimes being put in similar situation, we get weak as well. And when this happens, muster up courage to walk away from those desires. It might be a norm, it might be  human-law, but you can't paint everything white only to cover the spots you wanted to make once.

Recall the last time you betrayed your conscience, smeared it with one-sided justifications and slept peacefully at night knowing the ghost of the past won't haunt you ? Well, maybe the ghost won't but being human needs so much more than being real and knowing what's real. It needs the courage of walking away even at instances you sense the strongest desire to get through a situation and swim across all defeats.

In actuality, to ponder upon the times we gave in to fooling our conscience, gets me to think, how flawed are we?

Speaking of flaws, some flaws are designed to be corrected. We are sure imperfect individuals, yet we can choose which flaws to live with and which one to clean ourselves from.

Muse over!

Renuka G

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A Fall, A Rise

Relationships begin with great expectations which later boils down to painful heartbreaks trading it's grandiose honeymoon period only to become a bitter subject of discussion to kill time. We all at one point of our lives must have experienced a relationship that wounded our hearts for rarely one finds true love at the first try.

A failed relationship is not a photograph to be framed and kept in the house as a deco item, it is indeed a broken mirror which demands immediate disposal. The only thing one should know is the hows and whys behind it, then the shattered pieces are good to go out of our lives forever. Unlike a framed photograph which stays at a corner and awaken memories, a failed relationship is worth nothing more than a lesson and a quick-correction of the once-made mistakes.

To answer what I've learned from my failed relationships, I should say to stay strong. Being a person who truly believes that a relationship involves two people of different views and characters, tolerance is often the key to unlock the disagreements and behaviors opposed to my individual belief. In the long run though, I found myself on the wrong side waving the white flag. Tolerance can aid, but will not solve. To stay in a relationship, one needs strength, I mean a lot of strength. The strength of a heavyweight champion at heart to endure whatever thrown and also the courage to walk away when the door finally leads you out from the dreamland once regarded as 'forever'.

The problem with women of these times is we're scared, particularly to start over and counting the probability of not finding another person who would sincerely accept us for who we are. We settle for less and welcome more mess voluntarily only due to the lack of courage. It's not always about fixing situations. What if a situation were to be repeated a million times? Are you going to spend a lifetime correcting what should have been disposed long ago? This is where strength and courage plays part. True love is about holding on but what's the point of gluing together something you know won't stick together?

That's what I've learnt for myself. To have the strength to travel south rationally and leave for the better the moment I become aware of cracks that can't be mended anymore.

Relationships are not for the faint-hearted. Once you get yourself in, there's hell a lot of commitments and responsibilities to piggyback along with your partner. You get yourself in, you get yourself out. However, if you're lucky enough to land yourself a diamond in the green box and prince riding a Friesian horse, Bingo it is! :D


(Editted from my storylane page)

Renuka G

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Fair-Return

I'm this 'occupied' 

Sometimes when a zealous blogger goes missing, we just have to excuse him/her for morpheme-exhaustion, don't we?

No????

Screw you, I'm not saying sorry!

Just kidding! Well the 5th semester of my degree programme is still in the brewing process keeping me glued to its fundamentals and introductory hi-hellos causing an extreme delay to visit this canvas. Everything seems to be more challenging than ever, though looking at the bright side it's definitely what I need at this point of my life.

What to write about today?

Honestly speaking, ideas seem to be a little scattered, all over the place lately making it hard to pick on one further expanding it into a post. You feel me? If you are a true blogger, chances are that you will, 101% certain. I guess. (Don't ask me how that works!)

Ok, let me share a secret to stay happy.
There are thousands compressed on the self-help shelves, another few thousands channeled by the numerous motivational speakers both professionals and the self-employed bunch like myself here. Having mentioned the previous, I'm guessing it's obvious enough to realize what I call a secret is probably a cliche, but what can you do, for you are a sad helpless reader after all who would still curiously proceed reading.

Well, I would say sorry considering the mean statement I just made is actually mean yet naaah. Since you are still reading as I've predicted, why should I? And that's absolutely my point. Sometimes people belittle us, throw mean statements at our face, we get agitated, all raged in emotion for a moment and then poof it's all gone, we're back reading the thoughts of an author who scorned his/her reader. Like for what??
Don't take it seriously, was trying to convey my point the easiest way.

People who take us for granted usually are those who deem us to be less important than others they prefer to stay and make their life a garden of roses and lilies. (I don't see how the two flowers sync but yea, accept it.) For them, some shadows are just complimentary , with or without, life is still a helluva ride. Take this blog for instance, I write for personal-satisfaction thus, losing a reader or two wouldn't hurt me and that permits me to put my viewpoints even against whoever who is following this blog. Similar case scenario, everyone won't be important to all.

When confronted by people who discounts us on the significance of our presence, return the courtesy, return the favour. The secret to happiness is to always be fair with people even though life in general doesn't comply to this notion, of 'being fair'. Put a dog where it belongs, and keep your pet close to your heart, if you get what I mean.


Time to cuddle with my toys!

Renuka G

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This moment matters

Any way you put it, any road you take, any wall you try to build, for sure can’t save you from the trials life is going to throw. Either you buckle up, find strength and keep moving or let your negativity and severed hope sink you further down. 

One thing life has taught us for decades is that it goes on, only we humans love to pause, take a break, look back, well fine, but what’s the point of keep observing a healing wound. A watched kettle never boils, that’s a saying to remember indeed. Ignore! Keep walking. One day you might want to reflect on those bitter memories, perhaps at your prime, now, please don’t. 

Let good memories conquer your mind, replace the bad ones, or at least make them vague. 

After all what matters the most is this moment you are living right here, right now. Do something about it. Stop even ruining what’s in your hands for something which slipped away once, something which hurt you deep along the road. Pure waste of time.

You wanna live? Start living now. Past is to be framed, present is to be treasured. So what else??

Get moving people!

TGIF

Renuka G 

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Mock Mock

Ok, so this is blogger. How does it work? What do I do in this space actually?
 Type something is it?

What shall I write then?  Yo bloggers?  YOLO?

Sorry kind of a newbie here experimenting blogger for the first time. Pardon my innocence and fakeness of course! =p

Holla people! Your favorite blogger is finally back =D don't deny that please!  

Where have I been? Oh well that’s a secret. * all mysterious of a sudden*

Naah, I was busy entertaining a few important tasks like the UAK and simulated teaching. So far, all went well. Smile please Renuka , =)

Ok enough, wipe that idiotic grin !

Honestly speaking,  I’m still in no mood to write. I instructed my blog to scribble something herself ( yes, she's a girl), yet she doesn't seem to obey me much lately. Gonna strong-arm her soon.

Whatever!

I think it's about time I ciaow before I digress to much!

So, good night peepZZzz!

Renuka G

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Changes are learnt

Life is full of surprises, who dares to deny that? There will be a lot along the way but the best ones are the ones we reward our own-selves. They are only a few yet so priceless and memorable. Lately though, I'm experiencing a little too much of them that I got myself overwhelmed.

Maybe I should thank the slaps on the wrist which I volunteered to bow to sometime ago. How can I forget those moments? I even had someone calling me 'good-for-nothing' and doesn't deserve to live. Frankly speaking I really owe it to that person because it changed me forever. Of course words as such could break people forever and yes it did bear the same impact on me yet just for a while since I viewed  what was said from a different perspective. I considered it as a motivation and assumed that's the purpose I came across this person- to make my life better, to let me know things could be better, to make me realize there's so much to be done and improved. And of course my dad's usual advice, prove it to them, I took it seriously. Not to prove to them but to my own self, so one day I can look back and see how weak I had been once, how I naively hated a wonderful profession and how I missed the moments I should be great by playing mediocre yet be happy for I didn't sit there for long.

The recent event which filled me with much joy and surprised me to the bits is storytelling. Who knew I could tell a story spontaneously? I worked on the teaching aids for about 1 week, I changed the story and its plot like 20 times. Even worse, it was just a day before the session I was alerted about proficiency of the pupils which required me to change the words to further simply the chosen story. Finally on 'the' day, what I told those year 3 kids were not everything I memorized but everything that crossed my mind. I'm not so sure whether they fully understood the story, all I know is they had fun laughing at me for I was changing my voice a few times and overreacting as usual.  Plus, the magic wands that I made to be given away to the kids after the storytelling certainly added joy to them. Without a doubt, I went the extra mile and put so much hard-work into it and I sure did bask the best outcome. (If it was the old me, this surely had been  a post on how I don't care about the lousy session. Sorry, she's gone for good. I love the new me. )


Thomas A. Edison once said, there's no substitute for hard-work. Very true indeed. You can't survive with fluke for long. I'm glad I've learnt it at 20 =) And recalling the times my dad used to reward me for my average results believing I could do so much better, now I'm finally doing the 'better'.

Apart from channeling hard-work, the way I react and take life lately surprised me in a good way too. It has aided me to deal things calmly, one at a time giving me sooo much peace. Even yesterday, the 'epic' moment 1 page of my science assignment just disappeared like that at 2am. Of course I  felt like crying but I put emotions aside and continued to retype everything. Since I saved much time by not banging my head on the table and strong arming my macbook, I finished everything by 3 and had a deep slumber till 7am (dire importance!). *bliss*

Honestly, it has been weeks ( except last weekend for I went back) since I slept before 2 and I'm not giving work as an excuse to not go for jogging or eluding other daily routines, I think this change is for good. Embracing it happily!

I end it with a quote by Thomas Jefferson,
“Determine never to be idle. No person will have occasion to complain of the want of time, who never loses any. It is wonderful how much may be done, if we are always doing.” 

Keep working, Keep improving! Rewards will come your way and the results sure  blow you away =)

Renuka G 

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won't Care.

I just can't explain the good feeling I get every time I start to type something here. It shows how happy I am to write and thanks to the mighty Almighty, my definition of fun doesn't involve a few pints nor a few puffs.

Well I'm not here to lecture about the harms of those pints and puffs, merely saying I don't follow the crowd. Those who are indulging and going deeper exploring their so-called classy habits full of cure, go to heaven with it okay!

Ada aku kesah?!

And those who give up their values only bowing to the manipulations of your 'inspiring' figures, all the best fitting in!


I'm so much better that I....... even made a sign =p


Renuka G

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